A Good One

I promise to be the determinant of my own happiness. I promise to never let money come between the love I hold for my family. I promise to keep those in my life who make me a better person, and cut out the ones that don't. I promise to be a good listener. To never judge that which I do not know. I promise to be myself. I promise to count my blessings often. To give to others who need it. I promise to always mean well. To never undervalue the words: please and thank you, amd to use them no matter how big or small the favor is. No matter where life takes me, I promise to remember where I came from. To visit my parents a lot. To come home for Christmas. I promise to allow myself to be loved and to feel love for another person, and to say I love you when I do. I promise to say it often, not as a habit, but as a reminder. I promise to be a best friend. I promise to be there when I'm needed. I promise to dance a lot, and to not be afraid to make an idiot out of myself sometimes. I promise to remember what the good things are in life. I promise to never give up on my dream, no matter what. I promise to teach others how to love themselves. I promise to never forget where my scars came from. I promise to see the beauty in the simplest things, to take walks often, to slow down sometimes just to think. To go outside my comfort zone, to never be afraid to fail. I promise to listen attentively to my children, every thought, every idea, every anecdote the want to share with me. I promise to love them unconditionally no matter who they turn out to be, to support them in whatever they believe in, and to let them live their own lives the way they so choose. I promise to remind them of this daily. I promise to be kinder than necessary. I promise to see people beyond their exterior. I promise to know where my priorities lie and see the good in the world. And when I'm old and senile I promise to still promise, to hold true to what I believe in, and to know this life is precious and short and worthwhile- to know it's a good one.

Minutes

I used to think my best posts would happen when I had a lot on my mind. I've come to realize it's not when I'm thinking a lot that I write best, it's when I'm feeling a lot. My head doesn't seem to have much say in what I write most of the time, just like it doesn't have much say in how I feel. Trust me if it did, things would be very different. It seems like the older I get the more complicated things are. It's not just that I'm sick, It's that I'm sick on top of finals week. It's not just that I like a boy, it's that I like a boy that lives in a different state. I have so many more sources for my emotions, my frustration and my admiration and my confusion and my happiness. I feel things deeper than I have before. When I'm somewhere I like to be all there, and feel it fully and deeply. Even if that means staying awake for as many minutes as possible, just to feel that unadulterated happiness for just a tad longer. Because I've learned, as with so many other things, it's certainly not limitless. tooo be continued..

Last week I did something pretty awesome. Think about it, when's the last time you could say that? It really doesn't happen all that often. I think there's a lot of value in listening to people. Giving them your undivided attention. Letting them know that what they think really matters. Learning about what they care about. Noticing what makes their faces light up in passion. I really think peoples' words speak volumes to their personalities. No pun intended. I especially noticed this with my Girls on the Run team. Last week we had our ending celebration. We assigned each girl a particular award based on her character. We were instructed to call each girl up and say a nice thing about her personality and then give her her award. Without really even thinking much of it, I was able to do this, without tripping over words or pausing to think about what to say, even in a room full of middle aged parents- it came so effortlessly. I've really been learning a lot about myself lately, which I find just fantastic. So sorry if you don't like hearing about sappy self identity stories. Cause there's going to be a lot coming real soon. I love being looked up to. I love learning about people and being able to express how great they are. I love seeing the good and teaching others to see the good. I love having the confidence to stand in the front of a room and speak so effortlessly about people and things I care so much about. It's a really great feeling.

Where I want to be

It's pretty cool finishing first, I won't lie. People cheering, adrenaline rushing, seeing that finish line, perfectly clear and unobstructed, quiet and untouched and waiting, knowing every ounce of hard work was worth it. I mean, I've only experienced it a couple times but from what I can remember it's pretty great. But what I've learned, especially since I got to college is that there's more to life than who gets there first. Before I began here, sports were everything. I was a product of good coaching and good technique and good training habits. What I couldn't do in school I made up for on the volleyball court. It was the only place I could love myself and cherish what made me the person I was. Needless to say, this past year and a half here I've grown a ton. There's a whole lot more to me than what meets the eye. People that know me see me as a decent student and an athlete. And then there are others that are starting to finally see who I really am. Which is a little scary, considering I'm only really just discovering this myself. Overall I like school and learning, track too. But there's one part of my life where I can really be myself. I don't know if you've ever felt this, but it's an incredible feeling. It surpasses getting an A back on a paper or even earning a gold metal. When I'm in this place I feel like I'm gleaming and I know without a doubt there is nothing else I'd rather do more for the rest of my life. Even if that means wasting a large chunk of my academic time, even if it means crossing the finish line dead last with a girl that tried her absolute hardest. I know this is where I want to be.

Don't get me wrong here- despite my infamous looking on the bright side posts, life sucks sometimes. It just sucks. It's confusing and it's hard and overwhelming and frustrating, sometimes all at the same time. There are things we just can't change, there are mistakes we just can't take back, and hurdles, big tall jagged hurdles on every page and around every corner. We live for the moments where we can just forget about everything, the deadlines and the heartache. We take shots and put make up on so that just for a little while we can be something other than ourselves. So that we can live in a world where the confusion and frustration and regrets and due dates don't matter. Where we don't have to plan ahead. Where we can say, whatever happens, happens because it's Saturday and because for just tonight the future doesn't matter. We can be whatever we want to be. I'll come back to this later.

Our time here is measured in two ways. Monday mornings to Friday afternoons. Five day weeks. Fourteen week semesters. In one way our time is spent scribbling down answers, writing last minute papers, filling in those little bubbles, taking pages of notes. The rest of the time is measured by Friday night movies, and sleeping in, minutes and hours spent in front of the mirror, walking miles in the freezing cold, Sunday morning bunch, those classic songs that never get old. It's measured in memories, in drunk conversations in the middle of the night that turn into sober ones. In this way, time is determined by people. The ones that come and the ones that stay and the ones that leave; the relationships that are built here- they're the marker of time. The truth is either way you look at it, it's four years. It's eight semesters, twenty eight Saturday nights a year, twenty eight Monday mornings. We have four years to get it right, until our time here expires, until we're forced to face things a little more worrisome than Monday morning. Yet I feel like we live our lives here as if time will never run out. Like if the sand were to ever dwindle down, we could just flip it over and start again. I forget sometimes, how small and insignificant the amount of time four years is on the scale of our entire lives. Just a tiny speck on the journey. It's still new to us, this concept of time. It's still something we take for granted because we're young. We constantly pray for Friday night's quick arrival, we can't wait for that test to be over, or this horrible day to be done, we wish the time away before our twenty first birthdays because we always think there's bigger and greater things that lie in our future than what's here right now. And there probably are. But when I get there, if I ever make it to graduation day, I want to look back on my journey and be satisfied. I want to know I spent every moment exactly as I should have. Because I know this place, these people, this situation right now, this is just a phase in the journey. And I know one day, instead of wishing time away until the future, I'm going to want it back, this very moment right now. The good days and the bad days out of these four years, I'm going to want them all back.

A Good Thing

It's strange how memories can creep up on you. You consciously do your best to put them behind, shove them far in the past, and for a while there you actually do start to forget and move on, so you don't have to pretend as much that a small part of you isn't still living back there. And just like that, for whatever reason a thought is triggered and all of a sudden its crashing over you like a huge tidal wave, and you realize you really hadn't forgotten as much as you had originally thought, or would have liked to believe. It really does take a while when emotions are involved, more so than we plan on. I guess we underestimate how much time to give ourselves to move on because we don't realize the impact some things have on us, even if it was for just a short period of time. So maybe rather than forcing the memories away, we should accept them. Accept that maybe there is a little bit of you still left in that time. And realize that's okay. Realize even so, you move on further and further from the past everyday, but that doesn't mean you can't take a little bit of it with you everywhere you go. And that maybe that's a good thing.

Hidden Thoughts

Do you ever feel like you're missing what's right in front of you? Like if you were to just stop for a second and view your life from the outside in, you would realize there are huge things that you fail to notice everyday. Before I left for school I found something I had been looking for for a while. At first, I was so happy that I found it. Right after I realized it was right where I left it. I could remember the moment I had put it there perfectly. Somewhere in my brain I had known where it was the whole time. It wasn't a matter of finding the object, but finding the thought in my mind that led to the object. I would just love to unravel all those thoughts. Rediscover all those lost objects my mind has purposely for one reason or another concealed. I have to stop and wonder sometimes what I'm missing. Maybe there's a reason he's always been there, that he's the one I turn to when I'm happy or sad. Why for whatever reason it's never worked with anyone else. Don't get me wrong here, there are very few times I find myself thinking I wish I had a boyfriend. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm perfectly content with my life right now. But I also can't lie to you and say it hasn't crossed my mind. What if someday I finally unravel that tiny bit of information hiding in the far depths of my brain, and everything just falls into place? What if that tiny bit of information isn't so distant after all, just waiting on the tip of my tongue where it has been for a while? What if someday it just gets so impatient and jumps out on me and all of a sudden I just realize that hidden object has been here all along, I just had to remember where I left it. But that in turn leads to the question, why was it hiding in the first place?

Places

Have you ever gotten that really great feeling when you just fit somewhere? When things just start to make perfect sense, and for just that short amount of time you feel like you're in a whole new world, one built just for you. Don't get me wrong, my place here at school is awesome, I wouldn't trade it for the world. But I just know when this whole school thing is over, I want to go right back to the place I spend my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I want to go to the place where my mind dwells when I'm suppose to be studying for a Spanish exam. That special place that's all me. I think there's a couple things that make a certain place special. One is the physical setting, the area, the people, the time. The other is the person you are in that place. When I'm there it's hard for me to think of returning back to textbook pages and track practices. People say that you can't be a social worker if you're in it for the money, you got to really love it. I'm finally starting to get that. It takes a special kind of person. I never really believed I had in me the 'special' people talk about, but I'm beginning to learn it's always been there. I just had to find it. And now that I have, all that I can think about are those special places, here and in the future. I know I haven't written in quite a long time. It's not that I haven't been thinking about it. I've actually started two or three, I've just been very confused on my thoughts lately. Hopefully this will get me back in the grove.

We have big memories with people- 5th birthday parties, first days of school, first fall off a two wheeled bike. And then there's the little things. Like the way they said your name. When it's all said and done, sometimes it's the seemingly little things that we wish we could get back the most. She used to say my name a certain way, sometimes sing it, sometimes yell it, but it always sounded the same. In my eyes, she's never changed, I've just grown. But as this has happened, she gradually stopped saying my name, stopped remembering who I was. And now, when I look back it's not the times she used to kiss my skinned knees or help me solve problems that I miss so much as that certain way she said my name. Maybe because in some unseen way she still does help me fix things and heal when I'm in her silent presence. Maybe because even being a perfect stranger to her, I still know somewhere she still loves me. So I don't miss those things as much as the her voice, her soft sound, her perfect pitch, the one word that meant she knew me.

Then and Now

It's very weird to think that this time just a year ago, I was in a new strange scary place, making new friends and adjusting to a new life. Now, that same place feels more like a home than any other place in the world. When did that happen? When did it turn from a terrifying new experience to an old familiar collection of spaces and street names and smiles?
I have plenty of memories from certain areas and certain faces, most I love, some I wish I'd forget, but either way they're there. And that's the difference between then and now.

A couple days ago I had this insane idea to delete my blog. I know, what was I thinking?? I was feeling a fresh start was in order, maybe start a journal or something. But really, who am I kidding? I have dozens of journals and notebooks filled to the brim floating around my room. They're overrated. I like my blog. It's homey, don't you think?
So tomorrow's the day. Heading back up to school to restart up my life as a college student. It's funny in the beginning of the summer, I really didn't want to come home. I was hoping those last few weeks would just last throughout eternity. But now that summers over, I'm almost a little sad. Saying goodbye is always tough, I guess. In two days I will be starting my sophomore year, which is funny because it seems like just yesterday I was walking into Hass for the first time. Lost and scared like all the other freshman. But this year I really think I got it down. Not to say things won't be scary and different, because I know they will be. I'm ready for that. That's what makes it interesting. Welp, I feel like I've successfully bored you with this post. Nothing much new to report. Over and out.

Sometimes you just need someone there to tell you that you're on the right track and that this is exactly where you're suppose to be and that its not stupid, this thing you're trying to achieve. You just want that future you to pop out and say, listen relax because everything turns out just fine. They never do though. It's all about the wait and the fight and the anticipation. If I could go back in time to one moment in my passed life and tell myself everything will turn out fine it would be the first day of fourth grade.I was the new kid in a sea of staring wondering eyes. I didn't know who I'd eat lunch with or play on the playground with. Remember back when that was your biggest concern? If I could go back I would probably tell myself that the math problems never get easier but they do come to an end eventually, that being the new kid expires after one school year, and that that girl you'll meet in a little will be the same friend you'll be giggling the on beach with ten years from now. Honestly it never really get easier but the waiting and anticipating does come to an end. And just then that's when you realize everything really does turn out okay. With just the right amount of work and hope and prayers and time everything is perfect. 💜

I find growing up highly overrated sometimes. Yeah the freedom is cool and being independent is great and all by just like most great things they come with a price. In the case of growing up, the price is responsibility. Tonight was suppose to be the perfect start to the perfect week. We had counted down the days for months. All summer we just wanted it to finally be here, August 11th finally a break from everything. My friends strategically planned out the train trip and subway ride with no driving involved. So naturally the alcohol part of the plan was there too. I've never been a big drinker but just this once I agreed to give up my position as mom of the group, just for tonight. I'll give you a little spoiler alert to my story. My night ended with one of my friends past out in a hospital bed with needles and tubes sticking out of her arm. My friend, the one I used to play tag with on the playground. We always wanted to grow up.we always wanted to be anywhere but where we were.

Memories

There are pieces of memory that are more fragile than others. Something about them cuts deep, right to the source of feeling. We hide these memories, tuck them away behind the far corners of our minds, you would think we should want to forget them. But no, far from it. They're so soft and precious, delicate little fractions of time ours for the keeping. Those little memories are all we have left from those times so we savor them, we feed off them back there in the depths of our minds. We feed on the authenticity of those stored moments, the simplicity, the pureness, the innocence. They're connected to our strongest most powerful emotions. They're what drive us, what create us. Yet they torment us because those pure memories seem so tangible, when in reality they are eternities away. And so we live to create more deep feeling powerful memories, just to be able to store them away and dwell on them later and say that we've lived.

2-24-12 (never posted this, oops!)

Growing up, I never had anything I was really good at. I always had to try harder than everyone else in school, I never had a favorite subject or natural athletic or artistic ability. I never felt special. Despite this, without even really realizing it, from a very young age I had ruled out any future occupation that includes a cubical, a pant suit, or a too well worn desk chair. I was always on my feet, never really having the patience for TV or video games. Back then, I never considered this something special, just different.
When I got to high school and everyone started planning their futures as lawyers or doctors or business men or teachers it seemed like everybody had something that made them special except for me. And that, combined with some other components is what landed me here. It was those days of uncertainty when I really started doubting myself. And with the doubting came the hating, and everything else that followed. But after dozens and dozens of babbling sessions, group meetings, and hilarious meditation videos, I had finally found what I had been looking for all along. More like it found me, I guess. To make it through I didn't need some special talent, I just had to stop repressing the person I truly am. Because that person has everything I need, not through natural ability, but through experience. I stopped feeling like a failure for having to try harder than anyone else because it was those experiences that forced me to become a hard working person in every aspect of my life, even the ones that come a little easier. I began living through these people that had rebuilt me and shown me my strength is caring for other people. Ironically my talent became being able to help and encourage those who are lost, like I was, being able to relate to experiences I had never been through because of the feelings they produce.
Today, people who don't really know me see me as that girl that's always doing schoolwork, always doing that extra little bit at practice. People who really know me know it's because I would never be where I am if it weren't for that discipline. I was blessed with something a little different than a lot of people. And for that, and for those experiences that brought me to this very dorm building, I am incredibly thankful .

The Few

There are people in your life that know you. There are others that really get you. Then there's that select group that understands each and every aspect of your personality and loves you for them. I've learned when it comes down to it, it's that small group of people that would do anything for you, and vice versa. They're the ones that build you up. They find the great little treasures you never even knew you had within yourself. They're the listeners and ticklers and teasers and shoulders to cry on. They know your faults and love you anyway.
I've made a ton of mistakes along the journey to where I am now. Looking back, I can pick out the members of my special group with out a problem. They're the ones that have always been there allowing me to grow and watching me shine. Truly a blessing <3

Little Things

Plenty of girls have memories of their first broken heart. My story is a little bit different. This time two years ago, I had the best friend anyone could ever ask for. It was like we lived in our own little world, bouncing back from his house to mine, through the bike riding years, to the awkward middle school years, to the first day of high school. We floated together him and I, we just fit, and everyone knew it. The day he came out to me was the absolute worst and best day of my entire life. It eliminated the idea of us ever being anything more than friends, but that very precious delicate moment of time, where I alone was attune to his top secret world, insured we'd be best friends forever. No matter what, we promised. People only saw our sunny happy days and assumed that was the extent of it. They never realized it was the dark gloomy nights we spent talking for hours that built the basis of our relationship. Listening to him ask the question, why did God make me like this? over and over again, never really knowing the answer. It was those nights that showed me what it really feels like to love another person. Not the romantic kind of love, the kind of love where you truly care so much that you feel their pain, the kind that you would do anything for.
My first boyfriend was the first time he ever had to compete for my attention. And my first break up was the first time I realized how much I truly valued our friendship, and the three hundred short feet that separate my house from his. Not just because I needed my best friend to wallow with, but because it was then I realized he was the only one that wasn't going anywhere. He would always be right there across the street. We would always be on non-awkward terms. He would always mean the world to me and vice versa. What a feeling.
Like I said, my first broken heart story is a little different than most. Most girls have their hearts broken by straight guys from romantic relationships, for one. And most of them look back and laugh about it. Probably the biggest thing for me though, is that my heart never stopped breaking the day he walked out of my life. I lost a whole chunk of myself that day. Have you ever really missed a time or a place, not just because it was great and wonderful, but because you loved yourself there? When he was in my life, I felt unstoppable.
There are still times I involuntarily have the urge to run over and pound on his door. Like when my boyfriend breaks up with me and I need a good wallow, or the night of the first date after that, that was so awful a good laugh is in order. There are still times I need him. Not all the time, no- just on occasion. I know I will never have a best friend the way he was my best friend. No one has yet to come close, and I'm not expecting it. I just wished I had appreciated it a little more, ya know it's those little things, that don't cost a thing. But without them you're nothing. My neighbor was a huge chunk of those little things all put together to create something magnificent. And just like that, it was gone.

Wide eyed

I came here tonight simply because I have too many pesky words floating around in my head tonight, making it impossible to get some sleep. So I guess things tend to drop in your life pretty unexpectedly sometimes. And when I say things, I'm referring to things/events/people ect. And sometimes these "things" can change your life. Good or bad. Wanted or not. There's just no stopping it or forcing it. So it's easiest, I've learned to accept it for what it is. And eventually that thing, liked or not could leave, unexpectedly, with no note or goodbye. But you know why. You understand fully why it must go and move on, possibly to drop in on the next person. You don't know why it came in the fist place, yet you accepted it right away as if it were a gift meant just for you. But when it's time for it to go, and you do understand and know exactly why, it's a little bit tougher to accept its disappearance. Now you're stuck here feeling selfish and ungrateful that this beautiful thing came and touched your life, and all you can do is dwell on what it "could have been", rather than being thankful for what it was. Truth is, sometimes the only way to fully care about something or someone is to let them go. To just put the last bit of icing on the cake, before cutting it open and chomping it to bits. And doing this is the first bit of accepting the absence. The rest is on your own.

Rainbows

I've found myself often asking "Is it okay to...?" Is it okay to say this or do that? Is it okay to think this way or act that way? I guess this kind of reflects a post from a little while ago that questions, Am I doing this right? I am so consistently nit picky with myself, wondering if I'm where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be, just all the time. Sometimes, I just want to live. Even if that means voicing what I feel like voicing and living in every moment, and feeling exactly how I'm feeling. I wonder if anyone else feels that way, so restrained and confined and wondering if their lives are right or wrong, black or white. Maybe it's not that simple. Maybe we're neither black nor white. We could, quite possibly all be rainbows, some dark colors, some light colors, but never a definitive right or wrong. Yeah that seems about right. I mean... maybe some shade of yellow or pink. Hmm, strange where words take you sometimes.

Keep Shining

I heard some really great advise spoken the other day: "Stay soft. Don't let the world make you hard." It was like indirectly, this woman was speaking directly toward me by some force that knew I needed to hear it. It's good to be reminded sometimes. I haven't been feeling all that great lately, but just recently I understood why. I wasn't being myself. Ya know, the person I work so hard at and really want to be. Certain situations make it so easy for me to be myself and then others, not so much. The thing is, when there's discrepancy between you ideal self and you're actual self, it's easy to feel lost within your own head and unsatisfied with who you are. When I graduated high school, a special person told me "Just always remember who you are, and don't let anything or anyone change that." I get that now. Because out here in this unprotected world, it's a lot easier for others to try to change you or who you want to become or put you down. That's when you have to stop and think back and dwell on the moments that made you who you are. You just have to remember to keep shining. Even through the darker days, even through the storm clouds. Just keep knowing and keep believing and keep shining through.

Spitting Words

It can be incredibly hard putting words to emotions. Not written words necessarily, but verbal ones. Have you ever felt something so deeply that when you try to bring it to the surface, it's already been through so much getting to that point that it comes out all shaky and unfamiliar? Like you don't recognize your own voice maybe because you've never heard that emotion spoken before. Or maybe because your scared because speaking that emotion makes it so much more real and alive. Or it could be because your afraid of what the other person might think. It's so easy to say "I'm fine" or "I don't want to talk about it". It's true strength and courage letting someone on the inside. It's our brains natural fight or flight. We live behind this mask of "I'm fine" because its easier than letting someone in to see our "I'm fabulous" or our "I'm sad", our true raw emotions. So as a result our first time "I love you"s, our first time "I have a problem"s, our "I'm scared"s or "I'm sorry"s are often put off, being it much easier to flight than fight. The thing is, sometimes you have to fight. You have to be your own thinking feeling self. When it's worth it, you'll know. Sometimes you just have to pick up your shovel, dig all the way down deep, grasp those feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Accept them before you spit them out, and I promise, others will too.

The Crossroads

We're all on different tracks of life, in different phases. Changing, constantly. All the time evolving into what we think the rest of our lives should look like. Our tracks are taking us in so many different directions it's rare we have time to all be together anymore. To really take it in fully. The careless summer weekend nights of laying in the grass under the black open sky are long gone now. Those perfect summer nights when the air smelt of burning hot dogs and insect repellent. Looking back, it seems so simple. But our lives are larger now, more complex, more organized and driven. We have priorities and obligations and responsibilities on our tracks now. So we just keep rolling, chugging along praying for the best.
Tonight we were brought together, quite randomly actually. Seemed a lot like fate had a say in it. But we didn't question it. We laid out our blankets and talked and laughed for hours. Just the eight of us, just like it used to be. No one had anything else to do or anywhere else to be. So we just laid on the ground beneath the big open sky long after the fireworks ended. Just enjoying the time. Because just for tonight we reached the crossroads. And soon after we'll all be on our way yet again.

Perspective

I am thankful for...
The shower drain that clogs sometimes because it means I have running water.
The bruise on my shin I got rushing to get to work on time because it means I have a job.
The frizz of my hair when it's humid because it means I have hair.
My parents' constant nagging about where I'm going because it means I'm loved and cared about.
The piles of dishes in the sink because it means my family is well fed.
The stress of school work, because it means I'm being educated.
My brother's loud snoring at night because it means that he's breathing.
My sore leg muscles because it means that I can run.
The lady behind me in church who sings loudly off key because it means that I can hear.
The scars on my skin because it means I have lived to tell the tale.
The freckles on my face because it means the sun is shining.
The test that I failed because it means I have room to grow.
My room that needs to be cleaned because it means I have a house.
The alarm I hear early in the morning because it means that I'm alive.

Misunderstanding Unfair

I guess I thought I'd come here to clear out my mind tonight. To sort out the thoughts I've been avoiding and built some big sturdy walls to keep the memories from flooding in. Writing just makes me feel good. Especially with no agenda or plan, just writing to write. In fact my writing has been syncing up with my running lately. Sometimes I just go on an on in any direction my thoughts take me. Sometimes without commas or capitol letters, sometimes with little breaks to catch my breath. I love that it doesn't matter. I have scratch paper filled with messy writing scattered all throughout my room and my new running shoes have some serious mileage on them already, and the best part is- it doesn't matter if the topics are off topic or if I run too fast or too slow. It's a beautiful beautiful thing. Repetition intended. You might be wondering what I could possibly thinking so hard about and usually I really don't have an answer. Life I guess. The future, sometimes. This and that. But tonight, tonight I know. Tonight is about forgetting. So life gets in the way sometimes. And it just doesn't seem fair. It never seems fair. But it is life and it does what it wants no matter what you think. While life doesn't always seem to value "fairness" it is however driven by a highly valued purpose. Maybe life is trying to make us understand the importance of the reasons rather then the unfair outcome we're dealt.
I don't regret that I day I decided to go against my voice of reason, my "better judgement" some may call it. This crappy situation I'm in at the moment is the cost of an unexpected strand of beautiful things, in which I don't regret a bit of. And a purpose. A big one. Bigger than the twinge of pain, bigger than the challenge of forcing memories down a drain that keeps burping them back up. This purpose is bigger than the "unfairness" we were dealt this round.
So, lesson learned- go with your heart. Even if it's risky, even if it may hurt somewhere down the line. The odds just may go in your favor. Maybe not. But even then, when it's scary and dark you're heart will find the purpose in the obstacles life throws in the way. Just breathe in, and breathe out.

The Knowing

It was never something we thought about. We all just knew. We knew all too well, and avoided it. For ten years we did everything in our power to prevent that dreaded thought from crossing into our field of vision. These past couple weeks, those thoughts have forced themselves in. It's funny, when I was a little kid the second she opened up her eyes in the morning was the most exciting part of my day. And like clockwork, I sat there. Everyday, with her pair of wire rimmed glasses resting in my palm, waiting anxiously. Recently, it's been the same. I sit in the chair beside her and wait for the moment she opens her eyes. And for those couple of seconds when she does, my day is infinitely better. Even if it is just a couple of seconds, which usually it is. And those couple of seconds she looks at me, I feel like she knows just as well as we do. Even at the height of the disease when her mind is almost completely gone, she knows. And for some reason, that's what saddens me the most.

Thirty Minutes

In the summertime as a kid, a half and hour seemed like forever. We would check the time, do the math, and count down the seconds until those thirty minutes were up. And man, when I tell you those tiny seconds ticked and tocked away at snails pace, I mean they seemed like eternity. We found ways to occupy the time, I Spy and hangman, but even so my strongest memories from ten years back is rushing that agonizing wait. In fact, much of my life up until now I can remember waiting and anticipating for the bigger and better things to come. And once those things came, I can remember looking toward the next thing. It's strange, we spend so much time waiting and anticipating what's to come, we forget to enjoy what's right in front of us at the moment. Nowadays, with my cousins, siblings, I and being all grownup and having jobs and busy lives to contend with, I would do anything to spend a half an hour doing nothing with them. It's funny, all of a sudden those thirty minutes our parents made us wait before getting back into the pool after lunch seem so tiny. I guess the lesson here is take time to live right now, right at this very moment. Enjoy the little things, that seem insignificant. Be thankful for this time, enjoy the wait of growing older. I mean really enjoy it. Because in ten years from now, who knows where you'll be?

Home

Hmm I haven't written here in a while. Busy being lazy I guess. It's weird to think this time last month I was working on countless papers and assignments and getting ready for track championships and finals. It's like all of a sudden everything just stopped. Is it weird to say I like it better being overwhelmed with things to do than to have nothing at all(besides work, my favorite)? Eh, I guess I am a little weird. Time moves so quickly here. Today I helped my best friends get ready for their senior prom. Graduation is next week. It's strange because I feel like that's where I left this place. With prom pictures, and ceremonies, and smiles in front of tears, and hugs goodbye. That's where it stopped. And shortly after, that's when my next phase began. Yet simultaneously, this new life I have now- it's so comfortable and familiar, like an old friend or that same spot on the couch that you've been sitting in for years. Looking back on the individual moments, plenty of things have happened, big things, wow things. I've changed and adjusted and settled in to my life up at school. But here, it's all still the same. Here, it's still home.

The Exception

One month, that's all it took. I was hooked. We lived as if this school year would never come to an end, and in retrospect I don't regret any of it. You know that amazing feeling you get when you just fit with someone, no changes, or alterations or explanations needed. I really forgot what that felt like until about two weeks ago. There are very few instances I would try another relationship. This is the exception.

Fearless

Life is crazy and I have very limited time to sleep tonight, but I wanted to take a second to blog before I go to bed. Because it's thunder storming.. and my mind always turns all sentimental and sappy when it thunder storms. When I was a little girl my dad would always take us out on the back porch when it stormed in the summertime. I remember that porch so vividly, with it's perfect view of the ocean. We never really understood why he would take us out, and looking back it probably wasn't the safest idea, but now that I'm an adult I'm starting to figure out why my parents did things I never could quite understand. He was teaching us how to not fear. Even when life rumbles and crashes and storms, there's always a safe place, there's always a way to get through, and people to hold your hand through it all. No matter how scary, or bumpy the ride is, my dad taught us to face it. He taught us to be fearless. And most importantly that there are always people on your side of the battle, no matter what.

I never thought that guy I met at Simon Says during orientation week would become one of my best friends.
Or that that girl I sat next to but never spoke to in psych 101 first semester would be my future roommate.
When I got my first college paper back, I never dreamed I'd ever see my name on the Dean's list.
I never thought that cool down jog would turn into something amazing.
When I saw that first place podium the first day of track practice, it never even crossed my mind that I might stand there one day.
Thinking back on this school year, I never dreamed I'd have it this good. It's an amazing feeling when everything falls into place. Living day by day knowing you're exactly where you're suppose to be.

A Conversation with Too Much to Say Part 1

Since I am having the hardest time in the world focusing on my paper right now, I thought I'd come to the one place where words always seem to flow smoothly without much effort at all. I have nothing and everything to say at the moment. You know those times when you have so many emotions that you're brain doesn't even know where to begin. Or maybe it doesn't want to begin, I'm not sure. Regardless, there are plenty of things to be said, and thoughts to be analyzed, and feelings to be torn apart and chopped and mushed and put through the juicer to be strained and sorted, every little last bit, BUT that's not what I'm going to do. How about just a nice little chat with my friendly little man, Mr. Blogger.
There was a person in my life, lets refer to him as...... he. okay? Him and I were close friends, and I mean really close. Do I dare drop the bf label? You know what, I'm going to do it. We were best friends. We had this crazy way of connecting that was incomparable. He would talk and I would listen and then we would reverse back and forth and back until- oh shit, we'd been talking for all hours of the evening. I still remember our first one way way back when in the very beginning when everything and everyone was terrifying. Now you're probably wondering why I've been using the past tense this whole time. It's because some pretty sticky stuff happened and now we barely make eye contact, let alone speak for several hours. The thing is,I miss it. It's taken me a while to choke up those words, but I really do. More than anything, I miss the simplicity of those talks, just two people who get one another. It never had to be anything more than that. I wish things weren't so stinkin awkward between us. I wish I didn't have to go around pretending not to know someone who, in actuality I know better than a lot of people. I wish I could forget. We've both moved on. And that's fine, it's only natural. The thing is, I don't miss being his girl, I don't hold onto his regrets anymore. I just miss those nights.

can

Do you remember when you were a kid, and anything seemed possible? When you would imagine climbing Mt. Everest or sailing across the Pacific Ocean, and just like that you were there in the blink of an eye. The only foreign thing we couldn't view through our telescopes was reality. The beautiful thing about that time was that we all believed. We had everything we could ever want right there in the backyard. We were blessed with ignorance, blanketed in the idea that we could do anything and be anyone.
What happened? When exactly did reality take over our worlds? When did people start telling us "you can't", "that's impossible"? A huge difference between yourself and your childhood self is that back then, you had no limits. I'm not saying we should all live in an idealistic fantasy world and look for buried treasure, I'm just wondering what would we be if we all truly believed anything is possible.
He told me "aim higher". His face almost had a tint of anger to it. I stared at my shoes. He said the only one holding me back is myself. He told me to believe. And with all my heart I wish I could. I wish I could go back to fantasy world and believe in myself 100% like I did when I was a child. No limits, no hesitations. But it's this so called "reality" that keeps me from believing. It's fearing I'll fall short of expectations. It's knowing how hard it is. But then I think, would that have stopped me then? Would that have convinced me that it's impossible? No, I didn't know the meaning of impossible back then. I used to run in the Olympics after swimming all the way to Africa back then, and win! I can do this. It's just a matter of re-eliminating the "impossible".

It's love

I can't help wondering sometimes, Am I doing this right? Not anything in specific, I'm talking life in general. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Life keeps changing; all the time, everyday. It's a fluid strand of dynamic motions with no definite end in sight. It's hard to tell where to go, or when to turn, or how far down the road our lives could completely change. We kind of just have to go with it.. Hope for the best. And pray we're heading to where we're suppose to be.
Lately, my mom and dad have taken to watching old home videos before bed every night. Last night my family was all together for the first time since Christmas. My dad popped in a video labeled, 1993. My toddler older siblings ran and screamed across the backyard with a hose and water guns while I sat in my walker and watched. Needless to say, a lot has changed since then. We've created our own lives.. filled them with our own characters and experiences and lessons. The choices are ours. Back then , we had no idea of all the opportunities we had been blessed with. We lived without care or worry. We had our entire lives to live however we wished.
When's the next time we will all watch those videos again? Five years? Ten years? Maybe we'll be raising children of our own. It's crazy to think about it. How did those tiny little toddlers turn into adults? Life keeps changing; everyday changing. But those videos also taught me that somethings in life that are immune to the wrath of time. Like the way my mom has a way of making everything okay. Back then it was a kiss on the "boo boo". Nowadays it's a three hour phone call from a hundred fifty miles away that makes everything better. No, my sister doesn't help me up the sliding board anymore, but I know she's there for me at any minute of the day. And my dad, he'll always be there watching, back yard tee ball or college track, it's all the same to him.
It's love that survives these changing days. When stages end and begin, people leave and enter, it's love that's always there. No matter what. It's love that reassures us that everything will be okay, that we ARE heading in the right direction, and that sitting around the dinner table enjoying one another is right where we're supposed to be . <3

Running

Midterms week has been crazyy, and I have tons of work to do. But I wanted to take a second to blog tonight. Tons of stuff has been happening lately and I've gotten a bit side tracked. I came across this quote yesterday : "Running never takes more than it gives back." There has never been a truer saying written. It's so easy to get wrapped up in times and PRs and place numbers and to become fixated on small insignificant fractions of a second, that we begin to lose sight of the ultimate goal. Running always has been and always will be a competition against yourself. No matter the level of experience you have or lack, every stride is a fight against your body saying "no" over and over again. Having the heart and the drive to overcome those voices is a victory in itself. Lately I've been thinking I go to practice everyday to become a fraction of a second closer to my goal. I've kinda been missing the point. Running for me has never been about that. Great things have been happening for me lately, and I'm so thankful for that. But in the midst of the meddles and the honors and the attention, I sometimes need to ground myself. I have to remind myself what brought me here in the first place. After these four years are up, I'm never going to have the chance to hit these times again. I am however, going to have plenty of opportunities to fail. And when that happens, school records and first place championship times aren't going to matter. What will matter is my ability to pick myself up and keep moving forward... the real lessons I learn from running everyday.

Run for Her

Behind the hours and hours of training, the seconds and milliseconds, the PRs, the "runners take your mark", the coaches that believe in you, the teammates that support you, the wins and the losses, there's the little girl that fell in love with the sport. Run for her.

Thankful

Certain people have a way of turning up in our lives unexpectedly. And just like that, things change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. And in the same way that people appear, others leave. It can end with a fight, or a goodbye, or a promise, or my least favorite, slowly without any reason at all, leaving you to wonder. We live in this long strand of moments, not really knowing what's coming next. We want things to be different, always, all the time searching for ways to make our lives better. Whether it be with a person, who left or who is yet to come. Or with grades. Or those couple extra pounds. It never ends. We never settle for what we've been blessed with, for what we wake up to every morning, for what is all around us and within us constantly. It's easy to overlook things.. To get down on ourselves when we fail. It's a little bit harder to be thankful for the opportunity to fail. Because it's something we take advantage of everyday. This post was inspired by one of my best friends, who just randomly popped in my room to say, thank you for being my friend. It got me to take a good hard look at the things I'm thankful for; the things I don't necessarily acknowledge on a daily basis. For that, I thanked her.

Song of the Week

"Supposed To Be"
Jack Johnson
Maybe it's up with the stars
Maybe it's under the sea
Maybe it's not very far
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be
This is how it's supposed to be
Maybe it's trapped in a jar
Something we've already seen
Maybe it's nowhere at all
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be
This is how it's supposed to be
Looking forward as we rewind
Looking back is a trap sometimes
Being here is so easy to do
If you want to

Falling into Place

The stars were shining extra bright tonight, and I thought about it. For the first time in a long time, I allowed my brain to delve into the details, piece by piece. It was never right. It was never meant to be, and I know that. I know there were pieces that were missing. There are Thoughts I've consciously practiced avoiding in my head. That night being one of them. There comes a time when you don't need to practice anymore because it just happens. The memories become tucked away somewhere safe, where they aren't easily retrieved, but in no way does that mean you forget them.
Bigger, more important things have replaced those memories and sad feelings that seemed to never go away before. The time I spent thinking before is now spent at track practice working toward hitting that PR or with friends laughing until all hours of the evening. Things are good. Things are exactly where they should be, and I like that feeling a lot.
I have so many things to thank God for everyday, big important things, it's hard to feel the void anymore. Things are going to work out. Things will fall into place. It's just a matter of time.

"I can"

Every time you begin running, you are posed with a question. Whether it be a jog around the neighborhood or the last lap of the 400.. life is testing you. No matter your reasons are, or your goals or expectations, those little voices inside your head, they're asking you how badly you want it. At that point you can either tell yourself you can or you can't. You can give up or fight like hell. You decide to tell them you're a fighter, they say: prove it.
Have a love-hate relationship with those little voices. You don't realize how often they test you in everyday life... making you feel you're in way over your head. Making you believe you'll never meet what's expected. They want you to believe you're worthless. They want you to PROVE it.
At the end of the day, those little voices triggered something so much stronger, so much more indestructible than the "I can't", they powered the "I can".

Believing the Best

I understand why people say "guard your heart." It's because people aren't always who you think they are. In a way, my gift is my curse. I always tend to believe the best in people. It's how I build deep friendships, and how I can get along with just about anyone. And in a couple years down the road, I'm sure I'll really value this quality about myself. But I'm slowly starting to realize this attribute is the reason I tend to give too much to people, too soon.
As the puzzle pieces fall together, things are finally starting to make sense, things that didn't before. I'm starting to see the real people from my past, under what they show on the outside. Yeah, it really sucks thinking you know someone to find out they're completely different. But something else is happening as well- I'm starting to feel the healing powers of time. I'm beginning to forget, and dare I say.. move on. And I like that feeling a lot.

"I've learned"

Ironically, I got an email from a good friend today that has a lot to do with lessons, the topic of my last blog post. It's a really cool email, so I'm going to share it!
They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who had
the gift of saying so much with so few words.
Enjoy........
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I've learned .... That the best
classroom in the world is at
the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned ....That when
you're in love, it shows.

I've learned .... That just one
person saying to me, 'You've
made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned .... That having a
child fall asleep in your arms
is one of the most peaceful
feelings in the world.

I've learned .... That being
kind is more important than
being right.

I've learned .... That you
should never say no to
a gift from a child.

I've learned .... That I can
always pray for someone
when I don't have the
strength to help him in
some other way.

I've learned .... That no
matter how serious your life
requires you to be, everyone
needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned...That sometimes
all a person needs is a hand to
hold and a heart to understand.
>
I've learned ..... That simple
walks with my father around
the block on summer nights
when I was a child did wonders
for me as an adult.

I've learned .... That life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned ..... That we
should be glad God doesn't
give us everything we ask for.

I've learned ..... That money
doesn't buy class.

I've learned .... That it's those
small daily happenings that
make life so spectacular.

I've learned ... That under
everyone'shard shell is
someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.

I've learned ..... That to
ignore the facts does not
change the facts..

I 'velearned .... That when
you plan to get even with
someone, you are only letting
that person continue to hurt
you.

I've learned ..... That love,
not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned .... That the
easiest way for me to grow as
a person is to surround myself
with people smarter than I am.


I've learned ....That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with
a smile.

I've learned .... That no one is
perfect until you fall in love
with them.

I've learned ... That life is
tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned ...That
opportunities are never lost;
someone will take the ones
you miss.

I've learned .... That when
you harbor bitterness,
happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned ... That I wish I
could have told my Dad that
I love him one more time
before he passed away.

I've learned .... That one
should keep his words both
soft and tender, because
tomorrow he may have to eat
them.

I've learned ....That a smile is
an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned .... That when your newly born grandchild
holds your little finger in his
little fist, that you're hooked
for life.

I've learned .... That everyone
wants to live on top of the
mountain, but all of the
happiness and growth occurs
while you're climbing it.

I've learned .... That the less
time I have to work with, the
more things I get done.

I hope someday I can make a list like this one :)

Resolution

I've never really been a New Years resolution kind of person, but this year I have one thing I would like to do. Blog more of course! I started this blog my freshman year of high school. As you can imagine, as a freshman in college things have changed. A lot of things. I have different friends, go to a different school, and I myself have changed tremendously. So naturally, my insight is a little different than it was when I was fourteen. But when I went through all my blog posts a couple days ago, there is one thing I noticed that hasn't changed at all. I blog about my lessons. I love being able to look back and figure out what led me to the lessons I blogged about, especially the ones I use on a daily basis. And I know, even at nineteen there are plenty more lessons to learn. So that's the goal :)

Reasons

"Everything happens for a reason." Something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I was never exactly a fate person, but I do believe God has a set plan for each and every one of us.
Right around the start of eleventh grade, things in my life began falling to pieces. Everyday I wore a big smile on my face hiding the evidence under my shirt. The scratches turned to cuts. And eventually, the cuts turned to gashes. There was one person in the world that knew. The one only person I wanted to know. Every cut tore him up as well; on the inside. The day I was called to the office to "talk" was the day my entire world fell to the ground. He had spilled the beans. That day my mouth was too dry to speak. So I sat in her office and listened, her words tearing at my brain like rusty nails. I just remember thinking "how on earth could this be happening to me?" ME? The one who seems to have it all figured out. But it was happening. Reality sunk in deeper and deeper as I sat in that room for the very first time. Little did I know, the first time of many.
The following months I was living out my nightmare. But you see, it was that very day that I look back on so often. It was that very day that I started to change. It's because of that day, that office, that very first meeting, that I am where I am right now. Typing this post right now, there's no doubt in my mind I want to do exactly what she did for me. I want to help people. I want to change people. The faculty and students in that office became my support network. They were there for me always no matter what day or time for the rest of my high school career. Unlike the other aspects of my life, it wasn't about my grade point average was or how fast I ran the 400. None of that mattered. And in 4 or 5 or 6 years from now when I start my future job, none of that stuff will matter then either. What will matter is what I created, the relationships I built, the things I learned that cannot be learned from a text book in that very room, that's what will matter.
So they say "everything happens for a reason." And yes, I believe that statement. Because if it weren't for that one day, and the several more that followed, I would never be the strong confident person I am today. And for that one day, I will always be thankful.

(And for the one that spilled the beans, I will always be thankful for him as well) thanks again :)

Forgivness

I wake up some mornings thinking "what have I done?"
It was a month and a half ago... yet I still dwell, I still analyze, I still regret like it was yesterday. I live in that moment for hours at a time sometimes. Why didn't I fight for it? Who was I in that moment? I go through periods of being angry to periods of being sad, sometimes through slight pride, but always regret. I relive those hours over and over again. I pry my brain away from it's feast on remorse but it always goes back, there's just no stopping it. My consciousness is helpless, because my brain will always find its way back.
I talk to God at night these days. I've never really been the religious type, but I thought, who better to talk to then then the man known for forgiveness. I ask him if I could borrow some for myself.. so that maybe someday I'll be able to forgive my past self and move on. I'm not so sure that's been granted yet, but I know I've gotten some sort of strength because everyday I know I'm better off then I was yesterday.
Have you talked to God lately? It doesn't matter who you are.. It doesn't matter if your not religious, he will listen. He's good that way. Trying to let go of your past can be the most the most difficult thing in the world. Especially when your a different person than you were before. You just have to stay strong, have faith, and when all else fails talk to the man in charge!

2012 :)

It really has been quite a year. Yes, I realize I say that every year. I guess it's because every year I'm amazed at the amount that unexpectedly happened. If only I could have predicted all of this on January 2nd last year... well let's see. I would have stopped worrying about college acceptances, knowing the place I will choose is the perfect fit for me. I would have stopped worrying about career choices, knowing I found something I completely love my first semester of college. I wouldn't have worried about public showers, the roommate situation, or finding friends at school. I would have seized the seemingly not-so-significant moments at the time. I would have appreciated some of the little things a little more. I would have tried a little harder in my relationship, held on a little harder to some of my friends from home. And well, I wouldn't have given my heart away quite so easily.
If you couldn't tell, 2011 was a hell of a ride.
Graduating high school has taught me some really great stuff. Starting college has as well. But it's the life lessons I will have remembered this time next year.
I wonder what I'll be looking back on on January 2nd, 2013. I wonder what I'm over worrying right now. I wonder what I'm not worrying enough about. I wonder who will enter, who will leave, and what challenges I'll be presented with.
Here's to best wishes in 2012.