Saturday, June 12, 2010 The Change I went in the same tiny room and sat in the same chair as I always had. As I thought back to the beginning, it seemed completely different compared to now. Though, barring a few added pictures to the wall, the room had barely changed at all since the first time I walked in. I was the one that changed. She talked about this year probably being the most pivotal year of my life. I never really thought about it until I starting remembering the first time I had stepped into her office. The day my world had completely fallen apart. I remember the exact feeling. As I sat there for the last time, I thought about all that has changed since then. I realized my life had to completely fall apart in order for everything to come together. I'm sitting here now smiling. Because this pivotal year, the ups and mostly, the downs have permanently shaped my life. Because not only do I know who I am right now, I know who I want to be, I know who I will be. And I know exactly what I want. After my junior year of high school, I can say, with confidence for the rest of my life I want to change people. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Five years ago, I realized a dream. It was this time five years ago, I was in the process of "change." Little did I know at the time how profound and multifaceted that transformation actually was. I'm writing this post with knots boroughing in my stomach. It has taken me five years to get this far. I recognize this post as if it were a long lost friend. This is the day I decided to "change people." And little did I know this was one of the most influential days of my life. Since then, this very thought would keep me up at night, it's what I would daydream about in 11th grade history class, and now as a twenty two year old, it's somewhere in the back of my head constantly, shaping each and every thought and feeling. When I was 17, I perceived this dream as a shot in the dark, a "maybe if I'm lucky", or an idea that would only pan out in the ideal world. I've set this time aside tonight to work on my personal statement. For grad school. To pursue a degree in social work and mental health counseling. However, somehow I ended up here, reviewing my blog post from 2010 and wondering how I will encompass everything that has gotten me to this point in my life, in two pages or less. Yes, I've had plenty of valuable experience of hands-on helping and "changing" people, yes I've taken all the classes and passed with flying colors, yes my life excites me, helping people excites me, being a leader, being driven, being passionate, excites me. But the most very important part of my journey was the five to ten minutes, four years ago I stopped to write this blog post. And even more importantly, the two years of change that not only empowered me to conquer my anxiety and self-destructive behavior, but "changed" me. As a person. And showed me how absolutely beautiful it is to care for other people, to understand, to reach, and to "change" other people. THAT'S how I got here.

Thriving

I heard something recently that has really stuck with me- anyone who has believed in you, you owe that person a lot. Last week I had a conversation that I undoubtedly needed to have. I realized there's a certain amount of empowerment in being able to talk about your past without it burning up your insides- in looking at it from the perspective of "the past" rather than the present and future. I think that's what I've been working toward for the past three years. That feeling of reminiscing on these events, it's pretty incredible. That's not to say it doesn't effect me anymore, because what happened- it matters in a profoundly deep and life changing way, and I will never forget that or take it for granted. "You are thriving despite it." That is the line that has stuck with me. I realized these terrible battle scars I carry around with me are my biggest motivation- that I, myself am my biggest motivator. I realized that the blog post I wrote five years ago holds true today. I realized that I'm almost there, that my huge, unfathomable plans don't seem so unattainable all of a sudden. And that I'm here, not just surviving, but thriving. And that's incredible.

Twenty one

It somehow seems that the closer I get to graduating, the faster time moves. This summer feels very different from all the other summers before. Besides the obvious differences- no longer living at home and upholding a real job, I feel different: responsible, adult-like, terrified. I am constantly finding out more about myself, as if my child self is finally coming to meet my adult self. And you know what's so scary about that? I'm not sure I will like my adult self yet. If I could describe how I feel in one word at this point in my life, without a doubt it would be overwhelmed. I have to make decisions pretty soon that will alter the way I live the rest of my life. That's highly problematic in my mind because up until this point, I've been changing my mind a lot. How are you expected to settle when you've only just begin to meet your adult self? How are you expected to settle when you're already several thousand dollars in debt and knowing that your settling means more debt? When I read over my past blog posts, I sometimes laugh at the insignificance of the problems I used to blog about. Life was much simpler then. However, I remember how terrifying and overwhelming it was at the time. I can only hope that in four or five years from now, I look back on this blog post and laugh at the uncertainty and fear and insecurity I'm feeling right now. However for right now, I'm going to keep keeping my head up, and keep learning, keep growing, and keep showing up. Because when I really think about it, that's all I really can do.

Another Inspiring Talk with Mom (all sarcasm intended)

I've been learning these past couple of months what it means to be a young twenty -something, soon-to-be-graduating, on-the-verge-of-career-searching college student. It's good to have financial support. It's good to have connections. It's good to have a picture perfect resume, a knack for talking about yourself, a cheery misdemeanor, a sky high GPA. Yeah, that's all well and good. But what happens when you realize what you're lacking you can't really fix? No student loans, no career services, no resume doctor, and no amount of tutors can help you out on this one. There is no greater feeling than that of feeling alone, something I talk about countless times throughout my blog. Sometimes, all you really need is someone to believe in you. Someone to tell you that all you're doing is worth it. Someone to mean it, and preferably the people whose opinions matter the most. I wish more than anything for my parents to be able to understand how much what I do means to me. I learned pretty early on in college that I could no longer run to my mom with all the exciting happy things that happened in my life, especially if it involved anything to do with my career. I knew that she would never understand. And I knew that I could never make her. It's hard to shake off comments like, "if you think that then you're going to make a bad social worker" or "well, I guess somebody's gotta do it" when I tell her about the most meaningful and exciting parts of my day. It's a pretty huge blow to your self-esteem hearing stuff like that, especially in this fragile state of sheer uncertainty. However, I've started using these comments as motivation. To spite her. Because it's my life and if she doesn't care to have a positive say then she doesn't get a say at all. I guess it's about generating your own emotional foundation when all of your previous supports have crumbled to the ground.

Last sentence of my reflection paper

I mostly learned that when you're in a pre-industrialized, non-capitalistic society comprised entirely of people who don't speak your native language, separated miles and miles from wifi and TVs, on the bank of Lake Nicaragua, there is no realer or more wonderful place to grow, to learn, to experience, to see the beauty in the world around you, to create countless memories or gain the most genuine of lifelong friendships. My study abroad experience in a nutshell.