"The heart does things for reasons that reason doesn't understand."
-- PD2

"The one who never made a mistake, never tried something new." -einstien

A long overdo post about a special person

im thankful for you. for being there for me. for understanding me. but more then anything, for teaching me.
that no one has to be alone.
thank you for letting me unload my secrets on you. thank you for not judging me. thank you for allowing me to see that nothing in life is picture perfect and things happen when they happen.
thank you for being there.

-jane

the materialistic waste of a beautiful season

sometimes within the hustle and bustle, the traffic, the budgets, the gift getting, the crowds, and the time crunch, we start to lose sight of the TRUE meaning of this beautiful time of year. today i learned that the beauty doesnt lie in the perfect gift, it thrives on the laughter and smiles of the people closest to you. and the ones that need it the most.
every one of them has their own story. their own journey. their own pasts. one of them is a docter, another is a nurse, professor, navy vet. they all had incredibly successful lives. they all saw (most participated in) the vietnam war, world war II, the great depression, some even the first world war. and they all ended up here. each has at least one peice of clear memory lost in their hopeless minds and when they remember, its like they take you back to the moment itself.
whether it sitting around the record player listening to Frank Senatra's Christmas, or laughing (more like crying) about duke's new shoes, or gloria's bib, being with them is the best christmas present of them all. <3

finding the melody

a heavy dark sky loomed over us, but we didnt care. we kept going. and the rain came, harder and harder, but we didnt feal it. no one talked. no one listened. everyone just kept going. and consentrated. observing the rhythm of our strong steps and the rhythm of our tired breath, but more then anything the constant pounding background beat of our detirmined hearts. the three constants harmoniously joined into the perfect melody. showing us color and hope even on the darkest days. we didnt feal the rain, or the dehydration, or the exhaustion. all we could feel was the melody. those steps, those breaths, those beats, they are our constants. no matter what happens, they stay the same. and we stay the same. and no matter how tired we are, no matter how far we've gone, no matter how far we have to go,
we will always
hear the melody.

a hero?

They built a hero out of expectations
and what a hopeless hero was he
with sticks for legs
he shook when the wind blew,
even slightly
and he welcomed the smiles,
he welcomed the applause
and he hoped that they'd
never forget just who they thought
he was.
M.N.

It's weird how good writers can manage to capture your feelings perfectly by writing about their own. I listened to this on the bus last night (several times) just replaying this one part. Sometimes it shocks me how much he doesnt know me. I mean yes, he knows my batting average, my stealing average, my error average, how fast I can get to first base, and OF COURSE, how well I compare to others. But is all this stuff really going to matter when I grow up to NOT be a professional softball player? I wonder if he knows that I never want to pick up a softball (while on his team) ever again. together, we've worked so hard for my whole life on JUST this game, nothing else. And for what, to get closer? to prove something? I'm sure it wasn't to just throw it all away at 16. I wish, more then anything in the world that my dad could see me as a PERSON rather then a player, know the simple things, the important things. but really, who am I kidding?

our dreams... the strength in three's

we dont do it because its fun.
in fact, if you asked any one of us, we would say we hate it.
several hours in the wind and cold. bloody fingers. stinging faces. cold muscles.
you call us suicidal.
we would agree.
ask us why we do it?
simple.
we need it. it runs through us. every hill. every sprint. every step.
we crave it.
desire it.
even depend on it.
Because somewhere, we know it's in us.
yes, it beats us up, kicks us around, and puts us down time after time again.
but it's there. and in our hearts, its what we want more then anything else in the world.
it's the promise,
the desire,
the strength
to be
a milisecond faster,
a centimeter farther,
a fraction closer
to our dreams.

a meried of things to look forward to!

ok its been over 24 hours and i MISS HIM!!
ahh thanksgiving is in four days! yay!!
everywhere you go is sooo crowded... tis the season i guess.
im excited for christmasss!
im also VERYYY excited for tonight. (im making brownies, and theyre going to be delishhhh)
hanging with some people. then track tomorrow.
so i'll probably be back in alittle

friday atlast

FINALLY FRIDAYY!! omg longest week of my lifeee! but it all pays off in the end. just got done track. i like it alot, but im exxhaussttedddd. we run so much. tonight im just spending time with my best friend in the world. pretty chill. we'll see what this weekend brings.

keep up

so. today was an awesome day! (despite that its a monday)
i had my first track practice ever! i wasnt completely sure what event i wanted to do, (well i had kindof an idea) so i just went with all the sprinter people. i got put on team 1 with three other girls. it was really hard because they're really fast but it was also reallllly fun! really. the other girls on my team are super nice and we spend most of the time talking and laughing. you know how you can just instantly click with some people? i hope to get better times next time. im less then a second behind them. oprah says writing down your goals helps you accomplish them! so thats my goal right now... to keep up!

forever

Burried deeply beneath
the layers upon layers of today
shaping every single day
into our own stories
our own lives.

Lost in the path
of the ultimate journey,
our ultimate plan,
stolen from the stars

sitting in the worlds unknown.
Captured moments from galaxies
of nothing.
Lost sprinkles of time
from memories forgotten
and pictures untold,

words unsolved
mysteries left dull.
Look back to the black
and beyond to the gold.

Happy travel of yesterdays'
meanlingless tales.
Tales of the future's
dull mysteries
and the present's
unrevealed strokes.

The masterpeice of a lifetime
shedding the sticky peeling layers of today
and coated in the thick undefined shape
of forever.



Instead of writing something new which i clearly cant do (see last post) i decided to work on my other stuff. its weak but it's getting there. im not too crazy about the ending...

my screwed up brain

WRITERS BLOCK. writers block. WrItErS bLoCk. bleh bleh. WRITERSBLOCK WRITERSBLOCK WRITERSBLOCK. writers block. ~~~~~~ &&& ***** <<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>> %%%%%%%%%% \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
my feelings are completely numb right now. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaahhhhhhhhhhahahahah hate this.
this is what about five pages of my journal looks like. yep im cool. i wish i could doodle. (())((()))(((())))((((())))) aaaaaaaaaaah
writers block.

?

t is right. he's in my head 24/7.
his eyes can brighten my day. just seeing his name on the front screen of my phone gets my stomach all fluttery. i love when he talks to me. i love when he looks at me.
so why cant i decide whether i like him or not?

we talk

have me

you have me. you have me fully.
and no matter what you do, or what you say, or what you feel, im yours.
i'm locked in, imprisoioned by your crystal blue eyes,
and theres no way
no how
i'm leaving.

one more time

i wish i could get that time back.
to just dive on the floor one last time...
get one more bruised knuckle...
or feel that feeling...
one more time.

"dont be sad because it's over, smile because it happened."

: ]

i did not make eye contact with her. we did not speak. i'm not sure if these actions (or more like lack of actions) were intentional, or just a result of the lack of physical ability. she barely had enough energy to hold the bloody tissue up to her nose. she sat there, looking completely worthless to the every-day eyes, but i see her so differently.
i couldn't look at her pathetic, overused, weary eyes. because i cant look at her like i used to. i couldn't speak to her, becuase i didn't want to hear her thin words.
i know, we all know, that every passing breath she takes has the possibility of being her last. we all know, and we cant do anything about it.
and that's what kills us.

she found her way back into my life... some how.
i want to put it all behind me, but i cant.
i can't because i still need her. as much as i try to deny it, it's always going to be there. and she's always going to be there.
i didn't ask for this. i didn't ask for her. i didn't want my secrets to explode like they did...but they did, and now it's there forever.
shes always there for help. she always knows what to say. and when not to say anything.

rythme

Lately, things have been pretty smooth. Everything has settled into a rythm, and the days pass fluently. Things are ending...while new things are beginning...while other things have made it clear that they will always stay the same. and of course new, white chocolate macadanian nut love is on the horizon <3

one year

it's been one year.
i never really knew ally before she died. in fact, we had only shared a couple conversations. but right now, i feel like i know her better then ever. i see her everyday. in melissa. in drew. i see her face, her personality, and her heart. i never believed that someone could touch you a whole year after their death, but she has. she has touched all of us in one way or another. in a sence, she keeps us sane. she gives us something to work towards. and she keeps us holding on. agreed we've been through alot this year, but we're stronger and bigger then all of it, and maybe that was what ally's lesson was meant to teach us. that no matter what life throws at you, no matter how hard it knocks you down, you always have the inner strengh,
to keep fighting...

BELIEVE!

it's having someone truley beleive in you, when your whole world is falling apart.
it's living up to every expectation and ignoring all odds.
it's letting the world see that this is who you are, this is where you belong, and it's more then they could ever imagine.
it's investing all your faith into yourself and your capabilities.
it's dreaming HUGE and never losing sight.

it's here. it's now. and it's all yours...
if you just beleive.

the house is quiet. and i mean QUIET.
the silence is so strong, it vibrates throughout the house. it creates an empty feeling, like wasted space is invading every room.
within the passed couple of days, i've learned to miss some things that i never knew i could miss. like random change piles. the smell of old spice body spray. and rosary beed findings.
i knew losing my big brother would be different, but mom mom too?
it was so spur of the moment, like she chose to go.
her mind slips in phases, along with her body. i know one day she might not know who i am. she has forgotten the times we used to spend playing cards on the kitchen table. when she would let me win everynight. when she would read me bed time storyes and when she would wake up to me by her side, waiting and waiting. i always wonder... somewhere, beneath it all, does she remember any of it?? any of my life? or any of her life with me in it?
no doubt about it
somewhere
it's there.

change

i haven't written here in quite a while. busy i guess. busy avoiding drama, and living like nothing is getting in my way. so in a few weeks we go back to school. it's kindof a scary thought. well...lets not think too far ahead. once school starts, i think alot of things will be different. different from the way we left them freshman year. i guess change is a part of life. spontaneous or gradual. fast or slow. for better, or worse. either way - it's inevitable.
change has done it's duty on me. rewarding me, punishing me, and teaching me... that every turn is just a new experience on this crazy chaotic track. what i have taken from these teachings is to just sit back... and enjoy the ride... <3

summer

IT's july 10th. a couple weeks into summer. the days are coming easier and the weeks are beginning to fly by.

done from the start

im done. with it all. with the lies, with the drama, im done with being that one person you can get attention from. i dont think you understand and i dont think you ever will. it's just something that's been there all along, and i know i should have been strong enough to pick it up in the first place, but i didn't and i regret that. all i know is that i cant do it anymore. so that's it.

Leom

he's got blond curly hair, and icy blue eyes. tiny hands on a tiny body.
ive developed a love/hate relationship with this boy. he can be the ice for my burn or the match to my gasoline. to everyone else who has ever met him or had (tried at least) to have a conversation with him, they'll just say he's the devil taking over a five year olds body, but i see him differently. he threw a tantrum today. i had no idea what to do. no ordinary 15 year old is eqquipt with the skills to handle one of these outbursts. the music caused an over stimulation in his mind which sent him through the roof. when i asked him why he was so angery, i found out that it wasn't because he didn't receive an air guitar, it was about his sister who is sick. and we layed in the aisle of the church and he yelled at me. screamed at me. blurting out things no five year old should have to try to understand. and for the very first time, i saw exacly how angery he was, how hurt he was, how sick he was. it made me so sad, i was soon on the verge of tears. i could'nt calm him down. i couldnt make him quit, and i would never try.
he is unlike any child i've ever met. his temper is terrible, and his behavior is ummanagable, but somehow in some alter ego, freakish, other dimension Leom and i reach a point of understanding. one that no one else will ever see.

remembering freshman year

this week has been CRAZYY! i haven't had any time to do anything accept study, do projects, then study some more. tomorrow is it. the last day of freshman year. wow! it has gone by soo fastt! and thinking back to september, it's been one hell of a year. do you beleive all the stuff that happened this year? like if you could go back to the first day of school and know everything you know now, would you do things different? i know i would. so many things have changed over the passed 180 days. we've grown up and moved on, but somethings will always be the same.

so in the end, we know somethings have changed for the better and somethings for the worse. some things are gained while others are lost, and some things are remembered while others are forgotten. our pasts are burried under layers and layers of today, and today is coated in the undifined shape of the future. things have changed and will continue to change as long as the earth keeps it's rotation. tomorrow is the last day of school and the first day of summer (in my book) but the lost days of freshman year are just lying under the layers and layers of priceless memories <3

blogger

wow. i love blogger. i can write the most meaningless stuff that comes from somewhere up there, publish it, and crack up the next day...
hahahahahhahahahahah
i love my life

steeling second

my heart is giving me the steel sign. it's telling me to just go for it. but i don't think it's worth the risk. what if i'm way out on this one? what if its completely wrong? i know that if i do go, i have to go hard. really hard, or not at all. and not stop or slow down for anything or anyone. but even if i do make it, will i be happy where i am? i know i'll have to keep working. to make it home. i know once i get to second, it's only the first step, or i guess the second...
but i love the risk of steeling second. it's what i live for. so maybe i should just swallow my fear and dive. fail if its my destiny but never give up.
hmmmm...this is what i think about in math class...lol

she finally got over it! i knew it was something that only time could cure. im glad shes back in my life again <33

this weekend <3

so...this weekend was AHHMAZINNGG!! nana FINALLY got out of the hospital on friday, and my cousins and i were at her house all weekend. we parked cars for the devon horse show and watched the horse and buggys walk by. and played outside the whollleee time!
friday was also teagens birthday!! happy birthday teagen!!! <33>saturday we had a bonfire at my house to celebrate, then jimmy and i layed in his front yard till midnight watching the stars. so much fun!
sunday we went to kelseys for a bbq with some pretty frickin awesome softball people. then we stayed the night and watched P.S. i love you.
today was memorial day!! it was soo nice out. i went driving in the grave yard then accidentally ran over my popops grave! OOPSS!!! my dad says he's still laughing. i beleive it! just shows how good of a driver im going to be!! haha. i strongly advise you to stear clear.
well. back to school tomorrow. but only for a couple weeks.
i can tell this is going to be one amazing summer
with some pretty amazing people!

waiting

the room was completely silent. we could hear the chatter of people out in the hallway, but the air in our 8 by 8ft cubicle remained stale, untouched by voices. i deeply buried myself in my own hole, afraid to speak, or look, or move. i stared at the clock. maybe she did try to make small talk, and maybe i did nod and smile, but it was all lost in the ticking time. i held my breath, hoping that maybe just maybe i could speed up time, just this once. it didnt work. we sat there. waiting. waiting. waiting. beeeeeeeeeep!

wrong

she emailed me again. my heart dropped when i saw the adress. what could it be now? what was wrong? questions i didnt even know exsisted from behind my mind surfaced. in the familiar blue print the last words read, i'm proud of you.
how could she be proud of me? i feel like i just stabbed someone in the gut and all she can say is she's proud of me?? i didn't do anything wrong. it just feels so wrong. everything i do feels wrong. i did what i thought i had to do.
if i did do the right thing, then why does it feel so wrong?

dreams

i had a dream last night that everything was back to normal. that nothing was hindering us. or our friendship. everything was perfect. eating crasins and doing math homework. setting Tear Drops on my Guitar on repeat and screaming it at the top of our lungs. we smiled and laughed and compared days and test grades. laughing at the times she fell down my stairs or told my mom she didnt eat pork. yelling plays at her from short stop or remembering the time nidhi threw a ball at her face.
and everything was back to normal. everything was perfect. the most amazing dream fantasy.


then i woke up.

fate

she doesnt want to tell anyone. she doesnt think its a big deal. it is a big deal.
and as we walked, and as she told me more, i only got more scared.
what if she hadn't pulled away?
what if he had forced her hand?
she was suppose to be at my house that day. darn fate! it never fails to disapoint me.
i'm in this alone. yet again.
it's more serious than you think, one day you'll see.

<3 scared

gripping tight

i feel myself gripping so tight. i know that once this is all over, i'm going to be willing to do anything to get it back. i know that in two weeks, this will all just be a memory, and we will all be forced to face reality again. i'm just afraid that when it is all over, that i'll have way too much time to think about things. i'll have to deal with the stuff i've been putting off, without a team to back me up. i'm scared that i've grown to attatched. i'm mad that i've worked so hard, just to have everything ripped away. and then i come to the realization that i'm gripping too tight.

discoveries

i feel like i haven't written here in ages. its only been 5 days.
he told them. there were no explosions or fire works. they've accepted him, thankfully. we're all able to laugh about it now, which is good. becuase honestly, its a funny situation. i know its gonna take a while for it to really sink into their mind, like it did mine. its just another phase, just a new discovery burried deep in the friendship ties.

speak up

i feel like i should speak up. i think i need to speak up. what am i afraid of? being wrong? this goes beyond everything. i shouldn't be afraid of being wrong, becuase in this case, i want my first instinct to be wrong. now i've been thinking about the alternate reason. the other way. i feal like this is my responsibility more then anyones. hmm...i guess this doesnt make much sence to most people. well im going to stop now before i drive myself crazy.

watching her die

everyday we watch her dye alittle more. we listen to her sleep the rest of her life away. i remember when i was able to love my mom mom. before she got sick. before she moved in with us. before i understood that death was inevitable and that everyone gets old. we've all suffered. we've all felt the pain. but no one knows it quite like my mom. but instead of talking about it, she keeps it all inside. she internalizes then as a result treats us like we're the culpret. because of this, no matter how hard i try i feel i can never really love my mom mom. i know i should. i know that i should be greatful that she's made it this far, and that one day i will regret everything, but now...idk. i remember when she used to be my best friend. she knew me better then anyone in the world, now she barely remembers my name. i used to sit on her bedside and wait for her to wake up. she used to give me presents and treat me like a princess. i wish i could stay close to her. but over the years i've pulled away so much, i guess because i hate to watch her dye.

bleh bleh bleh. one of those days where you just want to give up on everything. either that or just break down and cry. it started out this morning when i had to carry 5 bottles of juice in two plastic bags into school. of course both bags broke. i also had my back pack and my softball stuff to carry. by the time i made it to the locker room, my back would not move. then today in softball i was so not in the mood to play. i had a horrible game. yup a great way to end a grrrrreat day

watching the balloons fly up to her

we'll full around during the whole opening ceramony. we'll make grass boats in the outfield. we'll make jokes about letting go of the balloon too early. but when the silence abruptly looms over the field, and we let go of the balloons, we're there for eachother. no matter what.
my body was completely frozen. i couldnt move or speak. my mind realized i had to focas on being strong for myself, but my heart knew i had to be there for her. my body was pressurized, tightly compressed within itself. it was telling me to do something. anything. but it never did. when i got the strength to look up, she looked the same exact way. sollum. still. i regret it. i wish it were different. i spoke but no words came out. i moved, but no motions formed. and we just sat there, together. and watched the balloons fly up to her...

I know, she knows

she asks me if i'm okay a lot. she knows me even after just a couple of weeks. she can tell there's something going on. she knows there's more to me then what meets the eye, yet she waits. i'm beginning to trust her. and thats what scares me the most. i dont want her to see any more then she does right now. but she does. i know she does. i know she can see right through me. i know that one day she might look at me differently. and that's what hurts the most.

<3 trusted

afraid

i dont ask questions anymore. because i'm too afraid of the answer.

<3 scared

i dont know

is this right? is this how its suppose to be going? do you ever look at your life and wonder why things are the way they are? do you ever ask yourself what it would have been like if you hadnt known? or if it wasn't even true in the first place? lately, i've been quesioning myself over and over again. i dont know how things turned out so screwed up. i dont understand how i feel or why i feel this way. i hate the feeling of confusion. i hate not being able to understand. all different feelings are weighing me down, but for some reason i cant pin-point any of them.

<3 frusturated

lets see how far we've come

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,

But it's feeling just like every other morning before,

Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour

And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye

Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

I believe the world is burning to the ground

Oh well I guess we're gonna find out

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Well I believe it all is coming to an end

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but

I don't really know

And I can't remember caring for an hour or so

Started crying and I couldn't stop myself

I started running but there's no where to run to

I sat down on the street took a look at myself

Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell

Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground

Oh well I guess we're gonna find out

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

I believe the world is burning to the ground

Oh well I guess we're gonna find out

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

we've come so far...

dinner table talk

she asked about her at the dinner table again today. we all stared down at our food as mom answered in that same familiar way- we lost her number. i didnt lift my eyes off my food for a while in hopes to avoid the sad looks painted on my family members faces. everyday i watch her get a little bit more confused. we took her to the funeral, she remembers seeing the faces, but she doesnt remember the death, or the horrible way that the death occured, like we do. does mom mom really deserve this? we didnt know her nearly as well as she did, yet we remember the phone call, the funeral, the sadness, while she sits there, not even knowing the loss, not even recognizing the sorrow.

<3 scared

crashing 10 year old's birthday parties

HI that was nicole. were sitting here on blogger sifting through the random blogs made by ppl aroundd the world! their pretty entertaining, let me tell you!!! so yeah. today was good. watched august rush. good movie said nicole. hahahahhaha we're funny. were laughing now. becuase its better then cutting your thighs. ohh yeahhhh. thats not a good thing. so. nothing new. were at christina's birthday party. 10!! yeah. they made easter eggs and watched the game plan then played a game. then nicole and i went down stairs and raided the milk duds! we went for the whip cream but there was none. bummer. so if teagen reads this, its like our social studies out bursts. when were suppose to be helping neil with the project. yeah thats a fun class. so yes nicole got a stapler set from her grandmother for christmas. now were fooling around with someone we dont like very much. i really feel like captain crunch. with the berries. everyone at softball calls me captain crunch becasue they like to make fun of my accomplishments eventhough their the ones who made me captain! yeah i dont get them. but i love them so u know. so nicoles mouse does this crazy thing where when u put the caps lock on it make a two like this: 2DKFHAIERFLKA 2kdfjfkjkdsa. hahhahhahah it cracks me up.

mess

its weird. whenever i leave for a vacation far away, i always expect that things are going to be so different when i get home. i expect to see drastic changes, but there never are. when i walked in the kitchen tonight i didnt expect to see the mess i left on the counter the morning we left. honestly, for those five days, i forgot about it. i forgot about everything the moment the plane left the ground in philly, only to be reminded of it all when i saw that mess. i guess we can always pack up and leave our ordinary lives and experience something not so ordinary, but the ordinary is always going to be there when we return.

<3 home-sick

leaving

so. i leave for jamiaca tomorrow morning! yesss. im excited, but im gonna miss my friends a lot. and my team! everything seems pretty good right now. it's like once softball started, everything got like a million times better. it all just kindof fell into place. i guess thats always how it goes, no matter what softball is always there. i played for varsity alittle today. jv's better. i like being captain and hanging out with my friends after school everyday. sorry if this is all boring stuff. there's nothing really much to report. so, i leave tomorrow morning and come back tuesday. im glad im not gone all break. i have some major hanging out catch up to do with some people. well i guess i should go start packing...byyyeeee!

acception

maybe the key thing is acception. knowing who you are, and accepting yourself for who you are. realizing that no matter what other people think or feal, you are who you are. its never gonna change.

today!

today was a fun day. i had my first softball tryout. it was a good time. lol. through the grape-vine ive heard we have CHESTER VALLEY PRACTICE THIS WEEKEND!! yessssssss! im sooo excited. block day tomorrow. bleh! then guys and girls basketball gamessss!! i cant waitt! student section??? HELL YEAHHH! thats all for noww...tutless

tower of secrets

do you ever get the feeling that your trying to be something your not? that your trying to act like you have everything undercontrol, when you dont? or tell your self its all gonna be okay, when you know its not? do you ever get the feeling that the ginoromous tower of secrets that has been building up inside you is just going to come crumbling to the ground one day? do you ever wish you could just scream everything at someone, and not worry about how they'll react, or what they'll say, or how they'll treat you the next day at school. usually my best freinds are great for that. but heres where the problem sets in. each of them is missing a peice of the puzzle. each has a peice of the truth pertaining to them, deeply hiding in the solid bricks of the secret tower behind my eyes. i hate keeping stuff from them, and i hate lying to their face also. i guess everyone keeps secrets, right? a corner of their lives they dont want to share, but why does it have to hurt so bad?

<3 in-hiding

worthless words

This new white sheet
stings my eyes,
i've been at this all night
and nothing.
im feeling nothing

and everything
and that stupid
blinking cursor-
its beginning
to mock me

its telling me
over and over
again that
im stupid
and worthless
and that no matter
how hard I try

or don’t try,
these words
wont flow
smoothly.

and these little
green teeth,
keep on biting
my words
because they’re
mad at me
for being
“grammatically
incorrect.”

There’s a block
that’s disconnecting
my mind
from my hand

and my hand
from my heart,
and because of it
there’s nothing

but everything.

I feel it on my
finger tips,
between my
fingers
and the keys.
on the edge
of my mind-
there waits
everything

but nothing.



random poetry. seemed appropriate. i usually only share my stuff with one person, but its the perfect display of how im feeling right now. i dont mean to get all gushy on you (not that anyone really reads my blog anyway) just some random spillage of my thoughts.

honesty

i guess i should tell him. i think i owe him just that. its just, i dont even know where to begin, or where we'll end up when im done. we're trying this whole new honesty/dr phil thing, but i beleive it should go both ways. he trusted me with everything... so why am i not ready to trust him yet?

<3 toung-tied

making the best of it

i have no words to say. well i have many words i want to say, but none i could share with the world, and i think thats becoming part of the problem. why are we forced to live through things we dont understand? why must secrets and lies have to camoflaug life's hardest parts? i feel like im just sitting on the sidelines watching all this shit explode, yet its like im right in the middle of it all too. everything is just going off around me, and im just sitting here, watching. i know i shouldnt be internalizing (*good word*) all this, but the secrets and missing peices just keep on unraveling, and the one person i go to for everything is holding the biggest secrets of all. its not that i dont feel comfortable going to this person, its just that on this particular matter, it's hard. meanwhile, im trying hard to ignore the little annoyances that set me back, and living life to the abosolute fullest, words from my best friend. so, i guess we were given this life for a reason, might as well make the best of it...

<3 confused

split

just went for a run. its getting harder to do that now cause my knee is getting worse. yesterday was fun, me and some ppl from my softball team volenteered at the minor/major drafting. we had fun. lol. but afterwards mr perkins gathered us and told us that we might have to split our team this year. i cant believe they would do that to us. we all couldnt beleive it. he told us they were trying their hardest to keep us together we acted like it was ok, but we knew what one another was thinking. after we went to friendlys. then we took another road trip to the girls bball game, then the guys. it was a pretty fun day!

<3 worried

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

hey we're sitting here bored, getting ready for the guys bball gameee!!!! woot woot. we're gonna win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im excited. me and leash and jimmy, and we're reading surfing magazine. its fun. i wanna put on iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimore pictures, i'll have to think about that. hmm...im bored. lol.

wow. sry. jimmy really loves the letter i. he needs help.

remembering

5 months...

snow

snow day today!! yay! heres some pictures from the last time it snowed! because im bored. yeah we had some pretty fun times. lol volenteering at the old person center! hahah

I love my friends!

EXCITEDDD

well. just another day of dealing with crap thats way past my maturity level. things need to slow down, im beginning to drowned (spelling) here. but im always a cup-half-full kinda girl so...im excited for the weekend!!! woot woot! we're suppose to get snow tomorrow!! yessss. softball starts in TWO WEEKSSS. and jamaica in less then a month. iv got a lot to look forward too! well. thats all for now. i was bored so i came here. lol.

mid night texting sessions

not that i dont love helping people with their problems or our problems, it just sometimes becomes alittle overwhelming. i was completely jet-lagged all day today. i couldn't focas on any one thing at a time. my thoughts kept on jumbling up inside my head. it was becoming so distracting. and even though it was extremely akward today, i just want this person to know that they can continue coming to me with anyyything no matter what. im sry, i think i was coming off a bit stand-offish today. its just so new. im so glad u came and talked to me... :)

<3 overwhelmed

no end

i just got back from the mall with the most amazing people in the world. we had a pretty fun time! its the last day of break. sadly. i have to go back to school tomorrow about 100 times more confused then when we got out last thursday. idk. somehow it all just became one big mess. but its just one of those things we have to live through. right? it just seems like with our group, we're forced to live through a lot of things. it feels like there's no end.

<3 confused

first entry

ok. ive never done this before but it looked fun so i started one. well i dont really know what to say, so i guess thats all...lol. what now?