i dont know

is this right? is this how its suppose to be going? do you ever look at your life and wonder why things are the way they are? do you ever ask yourself what it would have been like if you hadnt known? or if it wasn't even true in the first place? lately, i've been quesioning myself over and over again. i dont know how things turned out so screwed up. i dont understand how i feel or why i feel this way. i hate the feeling of confusion. i hate not being able to understand. all different feelings are weighing me down, but for some reason i cant pin-point any of them.

<3 frusturated

lets see how far we've come

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,

But it's feeling just like every other morning before,

Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour

And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye

Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

I believe the world is burning to the ground

Oh well I guess we're gonna find out

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Well I believe it all is coming to an end

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but

I don't really know

And I can't remember caring for an hour or so

Started crying and I couldn't stop myself

I started running but there's no where to run to

I sat down on the street took a look at myself

Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell

Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground

Oh well I guess we're gonna find out

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

I believe the world is burning to the ground

Oh well I guess we're gonna find out

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

Let's see how far we've come

we've come so far...

dinner table talk

she asked about her at the dinner table again today. we all stared down at our food as mom answered in that same familiar way- we lost her number. i didnt lift my eyes off my food for a while in hopes to avoid the sad looks painted on my family members faces. everyday i watch her get a little bit more confused. we took her to the funeral, she remembers seeing the faces, but she doesnt remember the death, or the horrible way that the death occured, like we do. does mom mom really deserve this? we didnt know her nearly as well as she did, yet we remember the phone call, the funeral, the sadness, while she sits there, not even knowing the loss, not even recognizing the sorrow.

<3 scared

crashing 10 year old's birthday parties

HI that was nicole. were sitting here on blogger sifting through the random blogs made by ppl aroundd the world! their pretty entertaining, let me tell you!!! so yeah. today was good. watched august rush. good movie said nicole. hahahahhaha we're funny. were laughing now. becuase its better then cutting your thighs. ohh yeahhhh. thats not a good thing. so. nothing new. were at christina's birthday party. 10!! yeah. they made easter eggs and watched the game plan then played a game. then nicole and i went down stairs and raided the milk duds! we went for the whip cream but there was none. bummer. so if teagen reads this, its like our social studies out bursts. when were suppose to be helping neil with the project. yeah thats a fun class. so yes nicole got a stapler set from her grandmother for christmas. now were fooling around with someone we dont like very much. i really feel like captain crunch. with the berries. everyone at softball calls me captain crunch becasue they like to make fun of my accomplishments eventhough their the ones who made me captain! yeah i dont get them. but i love them so u know. so nicoles mouse does this crazy thing where when u put the caps lock on it make a two like this: 2DKFHAIERFLKA 2kdfjfkjkdsa. hahhahhahah it cracks me up.

mess

its weird. whenever i leave for a vacation far away, i always expect that things are going to be so different when i get home. i expect to see drastic changes, but there never are. when i walked in the kitchen tonight i didnt expect to see the mess i left on the counter the morning we left. honestly, for those five days, i forgot about it. i forgot about everything the moment the plane left the ground in philly, only to be reminded of it all when i saw that mess. i guess we can always pack up and leave our ordinary lives and experience something not so ordinary, but the ordinary is always going to be there when we return.

<3 home-sick

leaving

so. i leave for jamiaca tomorrow morning! yesss. im excited, but im gonna miss my friends a lot. and my team! everything seems pretty good right now. it's like once softball started, everything got like a million times better. it all just kindof fell into place. i guess thats always how it goes, no matter what softball is always there. i played for varsity alittle today. jv's better. i like being captain and hanging out with my friends after school everyday. sorry if this is all boring stuff. there's nothing really much to report. so, i leave tomorrow morning and come back tuesday. im glad im not gone all break. i have some major hanging out catch up to do with some people. well i guess i should go start packing...byyyeeee!

acception

maybe the key thing is acception. knowing who you are, and accepting yourself for who you are. realizing that no matter what other people think or feal, you are who you are. its never gonna change.

today!

today was a fun day. i had my first softball tryout. it was a good time. lol. through the grape-vine ive heard we have CHESTER VALLEY PRACTICE THIS WEEKEND!! yessssssss! im sooo excited. block day tomorrow. bleh! then guys and girls basketball gamessss!! i cant waitt! student section??? HELL YEAHHH! thats all for noww...tutless

tower of secrets

do you ever get the feeling that your trying to be something your not? that your trying to act like you have everything undercontrol, when you dont? or tell your self its all gonna be okay, when you know its not? do you ever get the feeling that the ginoromous tower of secrets that has been building up inside you is just going to come crumbling to the ground one day? do you ever wish you could just scream everything at someone, and not worry about how they'll react, or what they'll say, or how they'll treat you the next day at school. usually my best freinds are great for that. but heres where the problem sets in. each of them is missing a peice of the puzzle. each has a peice of the truth pertaining to them, deeply hiding in the solid bricks of the secret tower behind my eyes. i hate keeping stuff from them, and i hate lying to their face also. i guess everyone keeps secrets, right? a corner of their lives they dont want to share, but why does it have to hurt so bad?

<3 in-hiding

worthless words

This new white sheet
stings my eyes,
i've been at this all night
and nothing.
im feeling nothing

and everything
and that stupid
blinking cursor-
its beginning
to mock me

its telling me
over and over
again that
im stupid
and worthless
and that no matter
how hard I try

or don’t try,
these words
wont flow
smoothly.

and these little
green teeth,
keep on biting
my words
because they’re
mad at me
for being
“grammatically
incorrect.”

There’s a block
that’s disconnecting
my mind
from my hand

and my hand
from my heart,
and because of it
there’s nothing

but everything.

I feel it on my
finger tips,
between my
fingers
and the keys.
on the edge
of my mind-
there waits
everything

but nothing.



random poetry. seemed appropriate. i usually only share my stuff with one person, but its the perfect display of how im feeling right now. i dont mean to get all gushy on you (not that anyone really reads my blog anyway) just some random spillage of my thoughts.