A Conversation with Too Much to Say Part 1

Since I am having the hardest time in the world focusing on my paper right now, I thought I'd come to the one place where words always seem to flow smoothly without much effort at all. I have nothing and everything to say at the moment. You know those times when you have so many emotions that you're brain doesn't even know where to begin. Or maybe it doesn't want to begin, I'm not sure. Regardless, there are plenty of things to be said, and thoughts to be analyzed, and feelings to be torn apart and chopped and mushed and put through the juicer to be strained and sorted, every little last bit, BUT that's not what I'm going to do. How about just a nice little chat with my friendly little man, Mr. Blogger.
There was a person in my life, lets refer to him as...... he. okay? Him and I were close friends, and I mean really close. Do I dare drop the bf label? You know what, I'm going to do it. We were best friends. We had this crazy way of connecting that was incomparable. He would talk and I would listen and then we would reverse back and forth and back until- oh shit, we'd been talking for all hours of the evening. I still remember our first one way way back when in the very beginning when everything and everyone was terrifying. Now you're probably wondering why I've been using the past tense this whole time. It's because some pretty sticky stuff happened and now we barely make eye contact, let alone speak for several hours. The thing is,I miss it. It's taken me a while to choke up those words, but I really do. More than anything, I miss the simplicity of those talks, just two people who get one another. It never had to be anything more than that. I wish things weren't so stinkin awkward between us. I wish I didn't have to go around pretending not to know someone who, in actuality I know better than a lot of people. I wish I could forget. We've both moved on. And that's fine, it's only natural. The thing is, I don't miss being his girl, I don't hold onto his regrets anymore. I just miss those nights.

can

Do you remember when you were a kid, and anything seemed possible? When you would imagine climbing Mt. Everest or sailing across the Pacific Ocean, and just like that you were there in the blink of an eye. The only foreign thing we couldn't view through our telescopes was reality. The beautiful thing about that time was that we all believed. We had everything we could ever want right there in the backyard. We were blessed with ignorance, blanketed in the idea that we could do anything and be anyone.
What happened? When exactly did reality take over our worlds? When did people start telling us "you can't", "that's impossible"? A huge difference between yourself and your childhood self is that back then, you had no limits. I'm not saying we should all live in an idealistic fantasy world and look for buried treasure, I'm just wondering what would we be if we all truly believed anything is possible.
He told me "aim higher". His face almost had a tint of anger to it. I stared at my shoes. He said the only one holding me back is myself. He told me to believe. And with all my heart I wish I could. I wish I could go back to fantasy world and believe in myself 100% like I did when I was a child. No limits, no hesitations. But it's this so called "reality" that keeps me from believing. It's fearing I'll fall short of expectations. It's knowing how hard it is. But then I think, would that have stopped me then? Would that have convinced me that it's impossible? No, I didn't know the meaning of impossible back then. I used to run in the Olympics after swimming all the way to Africa back then, and win! I can do this. It's just a matter of re-eliminating the "impossible".

It's love

I can't help wondering sometimes, Am I doing this right? Not anything in specific, I'm talking life in general. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Life keeps changing; all the time, everyday. It's a fluid strand of dynamic motions with no definite end in sight. It's hard to tell where to go, or when to turn, or how far down the road our lives could completely change. We kind of just have to go with it.. Hope for the best. And pray we're heading to where we're suppose to be.
Lately, my mom and dad have taken to watching old home videos before bed every night. Last night my family was all together for the first time since Christmas. My dad popped in a video labeled, 1993. My toddler older siblings ran and screamed across the backyard with a hose and water guns while I sat in my walker and watched. Needless to say, a lot has changed since then. We've created our own lives.. filled them with our own characters and experiences and lessons. The choices are ours. Back then , we had no idea of all the opportunities we had been blessed with. We lived without care or worry. We had our entire lives to live however we wished.
When's the next time we will all watch those videos again? Five years? Ten years? Maybe we'll be raising children of our own. It's crazy to think about it. How did those tiny little toddlers turn into adults? Life keeps changing; everyday changing. But those videos also taught me that somethings in life that are immune to the wrath of time. Like the way my mom has a way of making everything okay. Back then it was a kiss on the "boo boo". Nowadays it's a three hour phone call from a hundred fifty miles away that makes everything better. No, my sister doesn't help me up the sliding board anymore, but I know she's there for me at any minute of the day. And my dad, he'll always be there watching, back yard tee ball or college track, it's all the same to him.
It's love that survives these changing days. When stages end and begin, people leave and enter, it's love that's always there. No matter what. It's love that reassures us that everything will be okay, that we ARE heading in the right direction, and that sitting around the dinner table enjoying one another is right where we're supposed to be . <3