she finally got over it! i knew it was something that only time could cure. im glad shes back in my life again <33

this weekend <3

so...this weekend was AHHMAZINNGG!! nana FINALLY got out of the hospital on friday, and my cousins and i were at her house all weekend. we parked cars for the devon horse show and watched the horse and buggys walk by. and played outside the whollleee time!
friday was also teagens birthday!! happy birthday teagen!!! <33>saturday we had a bonfire at my house to celebrate, then jimmy and i layed in his front yard till midnight watching the stars. so much fun!
sunday we went to kelseys for a bbq with some pretty frickin awesome softball people. then we stayed the night and watched P.S. i love you.
today was memorial day!! it was soo nice out. i went driving in the grave yard then accidentally ran over my popops grave! OOPSS!!! my dad says he's still laughing. i beleive it! just shows how good of a driver im going to be!! haha. i strongly advise you to stear clear.
well. back to school tomorrow. but only for a couple weeks.
i can tell this is going to be one amazing summer
with some pretty amazing people!

waiting

the room was completely silent. we could hear the chatter of people out in the hallway, but the air in our 8 by 8ft cubicle remained stale, untouched by voices. i deeply buried myself in my own hole, afraid to speak, or look, or move. i stared at the clock. maybe she did try to make small talk, and maybe i did nod and smile, but it was all lost in the ticking time. i held my breath, hoping that maybe just maybe i could speed up time, just this once. it didnt work. we sat there. waiting. waiting. waiting. beeeeeeeeeep!

wrong

she emailed me again. my heart dropped when i saw the adress. what could it be now? what was wrong? questions i didnt even know exsisted from behind my mind surfaced. in the familiar blue print the last words read, i'm proud of you.
how could she be proud of me? i feel like i just stabbed someone in the gut and all she can say is she's proud of me?? i didn't do anything wrong. it just feels so wrong. everything i do feels wrong. i did what i thought i had to do.
if i did do the right thing, then why does it feel so wrong?

dreams

i had a dream last night that everything was back to normal. that nothing was hindering us. or our friendship. everything was perfect. eating crasins and doing math homework. setting Tear Drops on my Guitar on repeat and screaming it at the top of our lungs. we smiled and laughed and compared days and test grades. laughing at the times she fell down my stairs or told my mom she didnt eat pork. yelling plays at her from short stop or remembering the time nidhi threw a ball at her face.
and everything was back to normal. everything was perfect. the most amazing dream fantasy.


then i woke up.

fate

she doesnt want to tell anyone. she doesnt think its a big deal. it is a big deal.
and as we walked, and as she told me more, i only got more scared.
what if she hadn't pulled away?
what if he had forced her hand?
she was suppose to be at my house that day. darn fate! it never fails to disapoint me.
i'm in this alone. yet again.
it's more serious than you think, one day you'll see.

<3 scared

gripping tight

i feel myself gripping so tight. i know that once this is all over, i'm going to be willing to do anything to get it back. i know that in two weeks, this will all just be a memory, and we will all be forced to face reality again. i'm just afraid that when it is all over, that i'll have way too much time to think about things. i'll have to deal with the stuff i've been putting off, without a team to back me up. i'm scared that i've grown to attatched. i'm mad that i've worked so hard, just to have everything ripped away. and then i come to the realization that i'm gripping too tight.