discoveries

i feel like i haven't written here in ages. its only been 5 days.
he told them. there were no explosions or fire works. they've accepted him, thankfully. we're all able to laugh about it now, which is good. becuase honestly, its a funny situation. i know its gonna take a while for it to really sink into their mind, like it did mine. its just another phase, just a new discovery burried deep in the friendship ties.

speak up

i feel like i should speak up. i think i need to speak up. what am i afraid of? being wrong? this goes beyond everything. i shouldn't be afraid of being wrong, becuase in this case, i want my first instinct to be wrong. now i've been thinking about the alternate reason. the other way. i feal like this is my responsibility more then anyones. hmm...i guess this doesnt make much sence to most people. well im going to stop now before i drive myself crazy.

watching her die

everyday we watch her dye alittle more. we listen to her sleep the rest of her life away. i remember when i was able to love my mom mom. before she got sick. before she moved in with us. before i understood that death was inevitable and that everyone gets old. we've all suffered. we've all felt the pain. but no one knows it quite like my mom. but instead of talking about it, she keeps it all inside. she internalizes then as a result treats us like we're the culpret. because of this, no matter how hard i try i feel i can never really love my mom mom. i know i should. i know that i should be greatful that she's made it this far, and that one day i will regret everything, but now...idk. i remember when she used to be my best friend. she knew me better then anyone in the world, now she barely remembers my name. i used to sit on her bedside and wait for her to wake up. she used to give me presents and treat me like a princess. i wish i could stay close to her. but over the years i've pulled away so much, i guess because i hate to watch her dye.

bleh bleh bleh. one of those days where you just want to give up on everything. either that or just break down and cry. it started out this morning when i had to carry 5 bottles of juice in two plastic bags into school. of course both bags broke. i also had my back pack and my softball stuff to carry. by the time i made it to the locker room, my back would not move. then today in softball i was so not in the mood to play. i had a horrible game. yup a great way to end a grrrrreat day

watching the balloons fly up to her

we'll full around during the whole opening ceramony. we'll make grass boats in the outfield. we'll make jokes about letting go of the balloon too early. but when the silence abruptly looms over the field, and we let go of the balloons, we're there for eachother. no matter what.
my body was completely frozen. i couldnt move or speak. my mind realized i had to focas on being strong for myself, but my heart knew i had to be there for her. my body was pressurized, tightly compressed within itself. it was telling me to do something. anything. but it never did. when i got the strength to look up, she looked the same exact way. sollum. still. i regret it. i wish it were different. i spoke but no words came out. i moved, but no motions formed. and we just sat there, together. and watched the balloons fly up to her...

I know, she knows

she asks me if i'm okay a lot. she knows me even after just a couple of weeks. she can tell there's something going on. she knows there's more to me then what meets the eye, yet she waits. i'm beginning to trust her. and thats what scares me the most. i dont want her to see any more then she does right now. but she does. i know she does. i know she can see right through me. i know that one day she might look at me differently. and that's what hurts the most.

<3 trusted

afraid

i dont ask questions anymore. because i'm too afraid of the answer.

<3 scared