moments

We remember moments; small evanescent pieces in the sea of time that fade just as abruptly as they arrived, and stand in our hearts and memories forever. We can sail through the sea of time and barely feel a thing, but in each individual golden moment, that’s where the feelings lie. Since the human mind can only retain a certain amount of memory we recall only the moments worth remembering, the golden moments and the feelings that sail along with them.

Nana's house

It wasn't just a time or a place; it was our world. We knew the sounds. We knew the playful yells, the barks, the chirps, the clank of the plastic ball against the bat; We knew the hums of the trees as the sun dissolved into the sky.
We knew the dirt that coated our sun darkened skin and the lightening bugs that flashed against the black sky. The smoke from the grill against our faces and the birthday songs time after time, year after year.
We knew love.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

"Be kinder the necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

r.i.p. forever

We came home to the front porch decorated in neatly arranged flower bouquets with little tags attached. "Our deepest sympathy..." "We are gravely sorry..." etc etc. This was reality.
It's weird when something tragic happens; you expect things to change right away. The whole car ride home I thought so many things would be different as soon as we pulled into the driveway, but when we opened the door to our silent sleeping house, nothing had changed at all. The bathing suit I had forgotten was still hanging on the drying rack, remnants of the batches of rice krispe treats we excitedly prepared for the coming week were still scattered on the counter, and my breakfast dish from the morning we left was still waiting in the sink, this was my life before it happened. It was distant and almost impossible to recall. This life was full of love; summer cook outs and water fights, homemade spaghetti and lemon sticks. The memories played over and over again in my head as I toured my unrecognizable house. It was as if time had stood still in this house. Things that were once normal seemed lost in the layers and layers of time and emotion, they were intangible, unthinkable.
My family and I stood at the foot of the casket where she rested, finally out of her misery. Each person came by reciting the same lines as on the flower tags on the porch and the sympathy cards that would come through the mail in the coming days.
Then it was our turn. We thanked her one last time, though no thanks could ever suffice; told her we loved her one last time, though no word could ever be strong enough; and then closed the casket, knowing she'll never truly be gone. <3

I once had a person in my life who was different from everyone else. We were a lot alike and got along pretty well but the thing that was really special about this one particular person was that he was never trying to change me or judge me, I never had to worry about living up to his expectations. I was always just me, nothing more or less.

Now don't get me wrong I am happy for this person. He's finally truly happy and I would never want to stand in the way of that. I know things will never be like they used to be and i've accepted that, it's just at times like these i could really use my bestfriend back.

The Change

I went in the same tiny room and sat in the same chair as I always had. As I thought back to the beginning, it seemed completely different compared to now. Though, barring a few added pictures to the wall, the room had barely changed at all since the first time I walked in. I was the one that changed.
She talked about this year probably being the most pivotal year of my life. I never really thought about it until I starting remembering the first time I had stepped into her office. The day my world had completely fallen apart.
I remember the exact feeling.
As I sat there for the last time, I thought about all that has changed since then. I realized my life had to completely fall apart in order for everything to come together.
I'm sitting here now smiling. Because this pivotal year, the ups and mostly, the downs have permanently shaped my life. Because not only do I know who I am right now, I know who I want to be, I know who I will be. And I know exactly what I want.
After my junior year of high school, I can say, with confidence for the rest of my life

I want to change people.

the wind unwinds
through the thousands of miles
of emptiness
meaningless streaks in disguise
matching her cotton candy eyes

happy post :)

My Poem

Dear babe,
You make me smile.
Thank you for being you
and no one else.
And thank you for having
blue eyes
and not brown
or green
or orange
or yellow
Your perfect
and you light my world
on fire
And you make me happy
So I’m smiling right now.
You’re not here
but I sure am thinking
about you
And it’s putting a smile
on my face.
This is a poem
because I call it a poem
Not cause it’s pretty
or cause it rhymes
or cause it’s poetic
in any sense of the word
But because I call it
My Poem, it’s a poem.
I can write pretty things
I could say when you look
at me, my heart
sings and sings and sings
And it does, but that’s not
what this is about
This is My Poem
and it’s a poem cause
I say it’s a poem and cause
poems are written
in heart language
but sometimes what my heart
writes isn’t very pretty-
it’s just raw and boring
and blahh
And it just screams,
in black and white
plain and simple and unperfected:
I love you
so I let it.
and call it
My Poem.

Letting it go

It's all about letting go. Realizing that things will change. Realizing what will stay the same. Just relax. That's all you can do. There never was a right and a wrong, a good and a bad. There was always just the choice. Not to be judged or critiqued, it was always just there. This is life, this is the way it goes. This is where we stand. So figure out what's best for you and do it. Never hesitate for a moment, follow through with all you have, everything your heart wills. Leave it all behind. But never ever forget.
Take a deep breath. And let it go

Finding Yourself

A lot of times I find myself wishing things were different. Simpler. Less confusing or painful or difficult. Sometimes, I just wish things were like they used to be. Everything in my life had a place. Including me. Every person, every activity, everything, just seemed to fit together around me so seamlessly. I always knew where I belonged and where I was going. I knew exactly who I was. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. Between then and now, I've come to realize the certain things in my life that have clouded my certainty with indecisiveness (word?). The hurtles, the boundaries, the "would be"s "could be"s "should be"s that have changed me and morphed me into someone I would have never known. Maybe you have to pick yourself back up time and time again to learn how strong you are. Fight for what you want to discover your willingness. And allow yourself to change and progress to realize how far you've come. They say high school is all about finding yourself. But maybe the truth is, you have to get lost a couple times along the way to really discover who you are in the end.

Maybe those little voices in the back of our heads are there to teach us something. Maybe by screaming YOU CAN'T, they're really showing just how much pain we can push through, how strong we really are, or merely how much we can take before giving up.

Bound to the Tracks

My wrists are bound, tied so tight they begin to bleed.
I grasp a breath every so often, just enough to sustain.
From a distance I can hear the metal wheels clicking against the track which I'm bound to.
Louder and louder. It'll come any moment.
The ground vibrating against my skull
My stomach turns solid as a brick
I'm trapped. It'll happen.
I know it will happen. Soon enough
It'll happen.

Mommom <3

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away