Falling into Place

The stars were shining extra bright tonight, and I thought about it. For the first time in a long time, I allowed my brain to delve into the details, piece by piece. It was never right. It was never meant to be, and I know that. I know there were pieces that were missing. There are Thoughts I've consciously practiced avoiding in my head. That night being one of them. There comes a time when you don't need to practice anymore because it just happens. The memories become tucked away somewhere safe, where they aren't easily retrieved, but in no way does that mean you forget them.
Bigger, more important things have replaced those memories and sad feelings that seemed to never go away before. The time I spent thinking before is now spent at track practice working toward hitting that PR or with friends laughing until all hours of the evening. Things are good. Things are exactly where they should be, and I like that feeling a lot.
I have so many things to thank God for everyday, big important things, it's hard to feel the void anymore. Things are going to work out. Things will fall into place. It's just a matter of time.

"I can"

Every time you begin running, you are posed with a question. Whether it be a jog around the neighborhood or the last lap of the 400.. life is testing you. No matter your reasons are, or your goals or expectations, those little voices inside your head, they're asking you how badly you want it. At that point you can either tell yourself you can or you can't. You can give up or fight like hell. You decide to tell them you're a fighter, they say: prove it.
Have a love-hate relationship with those little voices. You don't realize how often they test you in everyday life... making you feel you're in way over your head. Making you believe you'll never meet what's expected. They want you to believe you're worthless. They want you to PROVE it.
At the end of the day, those little voices triggered something so much stronger, so much more indestructible than the "I can't", they powered the "I can".

Believing the Best

I understand why people say "guard your heart." It's because people aren't always who you think they are. In a way, my gift is my curse. I always tend to believe the best in people. It's how I build deep friendships, and how I can get along with just about anyone. And in a couple years down the road, I'm sure I'll really value this quality about myself. But I'm slowly starting to realize this attribute is the reason I tend to give too much to people, too soon.
As the puzzle pieces fall together, things are finally starting to make sense, things that didn't before. I'm starting to see the real people from my past, under what they show on the outside. Yeah, it really sucks thinking you know someone to find out they're completely different. But something else is happening as well- I'm starting to feel the healing powers of time. I'm beginning to forget, and dare I say.. move on. And I like that feeling a lot.

"I've learned"

Ironically, I got an email from a good friend today that has a lot to do with lessons, the topic of my last blog post. It's a really cool email, so I'm going to share it!
They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who had
the gift of saying so much with so few words.
Enjoy........
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I've learned .... That the best
classroom in the world is at
the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned ....That when
you're in love, it shows.

I've learned .... That just one
person saying to me, 'You've
made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned .... That having a
child fall asleep in your arms
is one of the most peaceful
feelings in the world.

I've learned .... That being
kind is more important than
being right.

I've learned .... That you
should never say no to
a gift from a child.

I've learned .... That I can
always pray for someone
when I don't have the
strength to help him in
some other way.

I've learned .... That no
matter how serious your life
requires you to be, everyone
needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned...That sometimes
all a person needs is a hand to
hold and a heart to understand.
>
I've learned ..... That simple
walks with my father around
the block on summer nights
when I was a child did wonders
for me as an adult.

I've learned .... That life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned ..... That we
should be glad God doesn't
give us everything we ask for.

I've learned ..... That money
doesn't buy class.

I've learned .... That it's those
small daily happenings that
make life so spectacular.

I've learned ... That under
everyone'shard shell is
someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.

I've learned ..... That to
ignore the facts does not
change the facts..

I 'velearned .... That when
you plan to get even with
someone, you are only letting
that person continue to hurt
you.

I've learned ..... That love,
not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned .... That the
easiest way for me to grow as
a person is to surround myself
with people smarter than I am.


I've learned ....That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with
a smile.

I've learned .... That no one is
perfect until you fall in love
with them.

I've learned ... That life is
tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned ...That
opportunities are never lost;
someone will take the ones
you miss.

I've learned .... That when
you harbor bitterness,
happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned ... That I wish I
could have told my Dad that
I love him one more time
before he passed away.

I've learned .... That one
should keep his words both
soft and tender, because
tomorrow he may have to eat
them.

I've learned ....That a smile is
an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned .... That when your newly born grandchild
holds your little finger in his
little fist, that you're hooked
for life.

I've learned .... That everyone
wants to live on top of the
mountain, but all of the
happiness and growth occurs
while you're climbing it.

I've learned .... That the less
time I have to work with, the
more things I get done.

I hope someday I can make a list like this one :)

Resolution

I've never really been a New Years resolution kind of person, but this year I have one thing I would like to do. Blog more of course! I started this blog my freshman year of high school. As you can imagine, as a freshman in college things have changed. A lot of things. I have different friends, go to a different school, and I myself have changed tremendously. So naturally, my insight is a little different than it was when I was fourteen. But when I went through all my blog posts a couple days ago, there is one thing I noticed that hasn't changed at all. I blog about my lessons. I love being able to look back and figure out what led me to the lessons I blogged about, especially the ones I use on a daily basis. And I know, even at nineteen there are plenty more lessons to learn. So that's the goal :)

Reasons

"Everything happens for a reason." Something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I was never exactly a fate person, but I do believe God has a set plan for each and every one of us.
Right around the start of eleventh grade, things in my life began falling to pieces. Everyday I wore a big smile on my face hiding the evidence under my shirt. The scratches turned to cuts. And eventually, the cuts turned to gashes. There was one person in the world that knew. The one only person I wanted to know. Every cut tore him up as well; on the inside. The day I was called to the office to "talk" was the day my entire world fell to the ground. He had spilled the beans. That day my mouth was too dry to speak. So I sat in her office and listened, her words tearing at my brain like rusty nails. I just remember thinking "how on earth could this be happening to me?" ME? The one who seems to have it all figured out. But it was happening. Reality sunk in deeper and deeper as I sat in that room for the very first time. Little did I know, the first time of many.
The following months I was living out my nightmare. But you see, it was that very day that I look back on so often. It was that very day that I started to change. It's because of that day, that office, that very first meeting, that I am where I am right now. Typing this post right now, there's no doubt in my mind I want to do exactly what she did for me. I want to help people. I want to change people. The faculty and students in that office became my support network. They were there for me always no matter what day or time for the rest of my high school career. Unlike the other aspects of my life, it wasn't about my grade point average was or how fast I ran the 400. None of that mattered. And in 4 or 5 or 6 years from now when I start my future job, none of that stuff will matter then either. What will matter is what I created, the relationships I built, the things I learned that cannot be learned from a text book in that very room, that's what will matter.
So they say "everything happens for a reason." And yes, I believe that statement. Because if it weren't for that one day, and the several more that followed, I would never be the strong confident person I am today. And for that one day, I will always be thankful.

(And for the one that spilled the beans, I will always be thankful for him as well) thanks again :)

Forgivness

I wake up some mornings thinking "what have I done?"
It was a month and a half ago... yet I still dwell, I still analyze, I still regret like it was yesterday. I live in that moment for hours at a time sometimes. Why didn't I fight for it? Who was I in that moment? I go through periods of being angry to periods of being sad, sometimes through slight pride, but always regret. I relive those hours over and over again. I pry my brain away from it's feast on remorse but it always goes back, there's just no stopping it. My consciousness is helpless, because my brain will always find its way back.
I talk to God at night these days. I've never really been the religious type, but I thought, who better to talk to then then the man known for forgiveness. I ask him if I could borrow some for myself.. so that maybe someday I'll be able to forgive my past self and move on. I'm not so sure that's been granted yet, but I know I've gotten some sort of strength because everyday I know I'm better off then I was yesterday.
Have you talked to God lately? It doesn't matter who you are.. It doesn't matter if your not religious, he will listen. He's good that way. Trying to let go of your past can be the most the most difficult thing in the world. Especially when your a different person than you were before. You just have to stay strong, have faith, and when all else fails talk to the man in charge!

2012 :)

It really has been quite a year. Yes, I realize I say that every year. I guess it's because every year I'm amazed at the amount that unexpectedly happened. If only I could have predicted all of this on January 2nd last year... well let's see. I would have stopped worrying about college acceptances, knowing the place I will choose is the perfect fit for me. I would have stopped worrying about career choices, knowing I found something I completely love my first semester of college. I wouldn't have worried about public showers, the roommate situation, or finding friends at school. I would have seized the seemingly not-so-significant moments at the time. I would have appreciated some of the little things a little more. I would have tried a little harder in my relationship, held on a little harder to some of my friends from home. And well, I wouldn't have given my heart away quite so easily.
If you couldn't tell, 2011 was a hell of a ride.
Graduating high school has taught me some really great stuff. Starting college has as well. But it's the life lessons I will have remembered this time next year.
I wonder what I'll be looking back on on January 2nd, 2013. I wonder what I'm over worrying right now. I wonder what I'm not worrying enough about. I wonder who will enter, who will leave, and what challenges I'll be presented with.
Here's to best wishes in 2012.