Little Things

Plenty of girls have memories of their first broken heart. My story is a little bit different. This time two years ago, I had the best friend anyone could ever ask for. It was like we lived in our own little world, bouncing back from his house to mine, through the bike riding years, to the awkward middle school years, to the first day of high school. We floated together him and I, we just fit, and everyone knew it. The day he came out to me was the absolute worst and best day of my entire life. It eliminated the idea of us ever being anything more than friends, but that very precious delicate moment of time, where I alone was attune to his top secret world, insured we'd be best friends forever. No matter what, we promised. People only saw our sunny happy days and assumed that was the extent of it. They never realized it was the dark gloomy nights we spent talking for hours that built the basis of our relationship. Listening to him ask the question, why did God make me like this? over and over again, never really knowing the answer. It was those nights that showed me what it really feels like to love another person. Not the romantic kind of love, the kind of love where you truly care so much that you feel their pain, the kind that you would do anything for.
My first boyfriend was the first time he ever had to compete for my attention. And my first break up was the first time I realized how much I truly valued our friendship, and the three hundred short feet that separate my house from his. Not just because I needed my best friend to wallow with, but because it was then I realized he was the only one that wasn't going anywhere. He would always be right there across the street. We would always be on non-awkward terms. He would always mean the world to me and vice versa. What a feeling.
Like I said, my first broken heart story is a little different than most. Most girls have their hearts broken by straight guys from romantic relationships, for one. And most of them look back and laugh about it. Probably the biggest thing for me though, is that my heart never stopped breaking the day he walked out of my life. I lost a whole chunk of myself that day. Have you ever really missed a time or a place, not just because it was great and wonderful, but because you loved yourself there? When he was in my life, I felt unstoppable.
There are still times I involuntarily have the urge to run over and pound on his door. Like when my boyfriend breaks up with me and I need a good wallow, or the night of the first date after that, that was so awful a good laugh is in order. There are still times I need him. Not all the time, no- just on occasion. I know I will never have a best friend the way he was my best friend. No one has yet to come close, and I'm not expecting it. I just wished I had appreciated it a little more, ya know it's those little things, that don't cost a thing. But without them you're nothing. My neighbor was a huge chunk of those little things all put together to create something magnificent. And just like that, it was gone.

Wide eyed

I came here tonight simply because I have too many pesky words floating around in my head tonight, making it impossible to get some sleep. So I guess things tend to drop in your life pretty unexpectedly sometimes. And when I say things, I'm referring to things/events/people ect. And sometimes these "things" can change your life. Good or bad. Wanted or not. There's just no stopping it or forcing it. So it's easiest, I've learned to accept it for what it is. And eventually that thing, liked or not could leave, unexpectedly, with no note or goodbye. But you know why. You understand fully why it must go and move on, possibly to drop in on the next person. You don't know why it came in the fist place, yet you accepted it right away as if it were a gift meant just for you. But when it's time for it to go, and you do understand and know exactly why, it's a little bit tougher to accept its disappearance. Now you're stuck here feeling selfish and ungrateful that this beautiful thing came and touched your life, and all you can do is dwell on what it "could have been", rather than being thankful for what it was. Truth is, sometimes the only way to fully care about something or someone is to let them go. To just put the last bit of icing on the cake, before cutting it open and chomping it to bits. And doing this is the first bit of accepting the absence. The rest is on your own.

Rainbows

I've found myself often asking "Is it okay to...?" Is it okay to say this or do that? Is it okay to think this way or act that way? I guess this kind of reflects a post from a little while ago that questions, Am I doing this right? I am so consistently nit picky with myself, wondering if I'm where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be, just all the time. Sometimes, I just want to live. Even if that means voicing what I feel like voicing and living in every moment, and feeling exactly how I'm feeling. I wonder if anyone else feels that way, so restrained and confined and wondering if their lives are right or wrong, black or white. Maybe it's not that simple. Maybe we're neither black nor white. We could, quite possibly all be rainbows, some dark colors, some light colors, but never a definitive right or wrong. Yeah that seems about right. I mean... maybe some shade of yellow or pink. Hmm, strange where words take you sometimes.

Keep Shining

I heard some really great advise spoken the other day: "Stay soft. Don't let the world make you hard." It was like indirectly, this woman was speaking directly toward me by some force that knew I needed to hear it. It's good to be reminded sometimes. I haven't been feeling all that great lately, but just recently I understood why. I wasn't being myself. Ya know, the person I work so hard at and really want to be. Certain situations make it so easy for me to be myself and then others, not so much. The thing is, when there's discrepancy between you ideal self and you're actual self, it's easy to feel lost within your own head and unsatisfied with who you are. When I graduated high school, a special person told me "Just always remember who you are, and don't let anything or anyone change that." I get that now. Because out here in this unprotected world, it's a lot easier for others to try to change you or who you want to become or put you down. That's when you have to stop and think back and dwell on the moments that made you who you are. You just have to remember to keep shining. Even through the darker days, even through the storm clouds. Just keep knowing and keep believing and keep shining through.

Spitting Words

It can be incredibly hard putting words to emotions. Not written words necessarily, but verbal ones. Have you ever felt something so deeply that when you try to bring it to the surface, it's already been through so much getting to that point that it comes out all shaky and unfamiliar? Like you don't recognize your own voice maybe because you've never heard that emotion spoken before. Or maybe because your scared because speaking that emotion makes it so much more real and alive. Or it could be because your afraid of what the other person might think. It's so easy to say "I'm fine" or "I don't want to talk about it". It's true strength and courage letting someone on the inside. It's our brains natural fight or flight. We live behind this mask of "I'm fine" because its easier than letting someone in to see our "I'm fabulous" or our "I'm sad", our true raw emotions. So as a result our first time "I love you"s, our first time "I have a problem"s, our "I'm scared"s or "I'm sorry"s are often put off, being it much easier to flight than fight. The thing is, sometimes you have to fight. You have to be your own thinking feeling self. When it's worth it, you'll know. Sometimes you just have to pick up your shovel, dig all the way down deep, grasp those feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Accept them before you spit them out, and I promise, others will too.

The Crossroads

We're all on different tracks of life, in different phases. Changing, constantly. All the time evolving into what we think the rest of our lives should look like. Our tracks are taking us in so many different directions it's rare we have time to all be together anymore. To really take it in fully. The careless summer weekend nights of laying in the grass under the black open sky are long gone now. Those perfect summer nights when the air smelt of burning hot dogs and insect repellent. Looking back, it seems so simple. But our lives are larger now, more complex, more organized and driven. We have priorities and obligations and responsibilities on our tracks now. So we just keep rolling, chugging along praying for the best.
Tonight we were brought together, quite randomly actually. Seemed a lot like fate had a say in it. But we didn't question it. We laid out our blankets and talked and laughed for hours. Just the eight of us, just like it used to be. No one had anything else to do or anywhere else to be. So we just laid on the ground beneath the big open sky long after the fireworks ended. Just enjoying the time. Because just for tonight we reached the crossroads. And soon after we'll all be on our way yet again.